pictures of kids

4 years ago today

4 years ago today my life was forever changed. 4 years ago today I was watching my daughter struggling to survive. 4 years ago today a comforting nurse told me to get my family to say goodbye to my daughter, my baby. 4 years ago today I handed my baby completely over to God. 4 years ago today started a journey I wish on no one. 4 years ago today I learned what Cardiomyopothy was. 4 Years ago today I learned to trust in God. 4 years ago today I went into battle. 4 years ago today my new normal started.

Today, I still struggle with the "what ifs". Today every "hello" is precious. Today when she calls me mama my heart beams with pride. Today she makes me laugh. Today, I look in her eyes, and can't help but see Gods hand. Today I see her play. Today I see her with her peers. Today she reminds me of my battle I went through. Today I know that she is worth it.

Today and every day I get on my knees and thank God for choosing me to be her mom. Its an honor and a privilege.

How do you do it

I get that question a lot. Mostly when I am dragging my 4 kids thru Disneyland by myself, or sitting at a restaraunt with 1 adult menu, and 4 kid menus, or going to the beach with all 4, or making a train thru the grocery store to keep them all in a line. I always smile and say "I have no idea". I don't. No super mad mom ninja tricks on this blog to share...sorry. It gets exhausting, but I think being a mom in general gets exhausting. I remember just having Elijah, and being exhausted, then having Elijah and Tori and thinking about signing myself up to go to a place with padded walls. Then I had Jake, more exhaustion, and straight jackets seemed like they should be mandatory, right next to the binkies in the baby section. Then Tara came, and I realized I didn't actually know exhaustion before...I think I went 11 days without sleep when she was first admitted (I should see if I quolify for Guiness book of world records). Then Jim left to Qatar, and I became a 5/6th single mom. So here is my secret...wait for it now...the word ALL. I know life changing huh? The word ALL has changed my life, for the better. Here is a few ways I like to use it..."Cast ALL of your cares upon Him" "Trust in the Lord with ALL of your heart". "pray ALL the time" "applaud God, ALL you people" "peace to you ALL who walk in His ways" "I am ALL He wants, I am the World to Him" "families stick together in ALL kinds of trouble". These are just a few of my ALL words. See why I like the word ALL is because it does not mean some, a little, or most, but ALL. I have to Trust God with ALL I have, not some little or most of my life, but ALL of it. I can't pray "some" of the time, but ALL the time. I am ALL He wants...not me and 20 billion other people, but ALL. See God does not pick favorites, just like I can't pick a favorite kid, God can't pick one of us. He chose ALL of us. He died on the cross for ALL of our sins (another great ALL). So there it is, I guess I do have a secret weapon, and obviouslly mad mom ninja skills...

Jake and the sandwiches

When I was sitting on the couch reading my new favorite book (The Shack, you must read it!) Jake came up and was cuddling me. He then asked "Mom, since you are reading your book, can I make lunch for everyone". Jake is so sweet, he always wants to help, and ifIdosaysomyself he makes a mean PB&J sandwhich. I said sure and asked "whats on the menu today dude?" "Sandwiches" was his reply, I was thinking I was going to have this great sandwich, with Jelly oozing out, and with enough peanut butter to make a dog lick his lips for weeks. I continued reading, and he even went outside and picked me a "flower". Its was a dandylion, so it reminded me I needed to get out some weed be gone for my grass. He brought me my lunch. Complete with a diet coke. My boys knows me well. I said "boy, Jake this looks really good! What kind of sandwich is it?" his reply. Peanut butter and mayonaise. My dilema...do I eat that or the dandylion which is looking pretty appitizing at the moment....

How long is never?

This is a long over due post most likely, but I have been thinking about it for awhile. I guess it always comes up, as we get ready for Tara's birthday. A kiledescope of emotions comes about. Its been nearly 4 years since Tara was born, then a week after her 4th birthday, it will be 4 years since my life was forever changed. Since my "world" was shattered, and my life, and my normal that I knew before was never to be again. I live now in my new normal. Its not a bad normal, but a different normal. I often (not as much as I used to) get the question "what is Tara's health like now?" Well, the skinny...It has not changed. Her heart function is exactlly the same as it was the day we left the hospital 3 mos. after she got sick. Tara however has "learned" how to deal with her heart, and the common cold doesn't *always* send her to the hospital anymore. I then get the transplant question, or the surgary question. You see, those are the questions that are not easy to answer. Even if you have the same faith as me, its a hard question to answer. Sometimes people don't understand that I KNOW God is going to heal her. He doesn't make promises he can't keep. He told me that he would heal her, and I will take that to the bank, every day. In Deuteronomy 31:8 it says: "God is striding ahead of you he is right there with you; he wont let you down, he wont leave you. Dont be intimidated, don't worry." he wont leave me. Ever. Never. The kids were playing the other day, and I overheard a conversation about the word never, and Jake told Tara: "Never is a really long time, huh mom." I of course said yes, but then that question came to me later in my quiet time. How long is never. Is it 100 years? 10 Years? Or is it just the 4 years that my sweet girl has been with us? No, in actuallity Never is NOT a long time. Its doesn't end. Websters even says: Not ever: at no time; not in any degree; not under any condition. Not under any condition will my God ever leave me, he is right there ahead of me, striding ahead. Have you ever walked on the sand from your car down to the water, and when you walk its hard, sand is never easy to walk in, I always like to find other "footsteps" to walk in, it makes it easier to walk in the sand when someones "strides" ahead of me. God does that in my life, all of it. So when do I feel like he wont take care of Tara? Never.

Your mommy is beautiful....

Today I was getting ready to leave the house. I was in my bathroom getting ready. The girls were playing in their room with a friend named Macie. I am hearing them play on the monitor that is in my room. I over hear this conversation.
Macie: Tara your mommy is sooooo beautiful.
Tara: I know she is really pretty.
Macie: yeah, I really like her.
Tara: me too.
the conversation kept going on, but I was beaming. Birds were chirping above my head, I felt like Cindarella. Not only do my kids think I am beautiful, but so did my girls friends. Way to make a mom feel good. After I brushed my teeth and decided, since they already thought I was beautiful I would really show them and put some mascara on. So I went over to their room with my head high, birds still chirping and said "hey girls, I am just getting ready to leave, are you having a good time? What are you playing?"
Tara: "We are playing house, Tori is the mommy"
Just then, the birds that were chirping over my head pooped on it.

My week in Facebook

So Since I don't always update the blogspot (sorry mom), but I do update my facebook, I thought it would be fun to combine the 2. I would like to say that I will do it weekly, but I hate to lie to you. So I will say I will try.

May 12: I asked Jake to get me a coke Zero out of the fridge, he brought me a Miller Lite. Gave it to me and said "I can't find the black ones, is this OK?" Jake, this is beer, I want a soda to bring to church. "oh, its OK, you can drink beer at church". No Jake they might frown on that.

May 14th: I have learned a lot this weekend at Equip (still more to come with Jack Hayford tomorrow), but I want to immediately start putting things into practice, so tomorrow I will be a Proverbs 32 woman. I will stay in bed, and make my kids bring me breakfast there.

May 18th: Well, the good news in my alarm is set for 6pm. Bad news is, all of my kids are VERY late for school. OOPS (that was at 8am, kids start at 730 and we just had woken up)

May 18th: I am speaking tomorrow at REAL moms. Topic: Yes, I am Crazy, just like you. Its going to be fun and helpful, and I am excited! Tomorrow at The Cause, 9am start time with breakfast. Join us and come cheer me on.

May 19th: Dear Mr. President, Israel is our friend. Just like in grade school if you take something that is not yours, the other person will get mad. Don't be a bully. People don't respect bullies. Same on you. Love mom.

May 19th: I am either washing an alligator, or the appliance attack has returned.

May 20th: I started a 13 day fast today. I miss coffee (and eggs and food). I felt like running my kids off a cliff this am while driving them to school. It will get better right? (PS, it did not, next day I was puking and had the worst headache of my life.)

May 20th: At ER with Jake for stitches. Yup, its one of those days! (see, I told you my day did not get any better.

*photo is not for the faint of heart*

Waiting at the ER. Unless anyone is a seamstress?

Jake fell asleep getting his 9 stitches. They called in a plastic surgeon. Lesson learned. Do not play free Willy on your bed, and breach like a whale onto your dresser.

*side notes, I am still doing my fast, but I did break down and start having half a cup of coffee, and I will gradually start weaning that. Cold turkey might not have been the best choice since I pretty much IV it into me through out the day. In fact this am, I only had 1/4 cup*