Did you miss me? Or is it just my mom?

Sorry for the lack of posts, mom.
Well, since my mom knows why I was gone, I guess I will fill everyone else in on my little secret... I WENT TO SEE JIM! Well, its wasn't really a secret, I just didn't post about it. So I went to Qatar to see Jim and it was so nice. The kids stayed here with friends, and family which was so great. Tara did get strep throat AGAIN while I was gone (which sucked) since she has just finished her antibiotics for strep the day before I left I was really worried that she was not going to get over it and need IV antibiotics. Well she did fine, and has now finished her antibiotics again, however tonight she started running a fever again. I am not to worried yet, as its still low, and only been a few hours, most likely its viral, well, since she is 3!
Tomorrow for Thanksgiving we are going to Disneyland (provided Tara is feeling ok). It should be fun. We got passes so hopefully we go more often. This will be our second time going in a week! We celebrated with my family on Monday which was great, loved eating turkey! :)
Ok, I think that's all for now! I took some pictures of Qatar, and will share more about that soon. but for now, I am back, did you miss me?

The Wind....

So I was reading in my bible the other day, and came across the scripture..Mark 6:48. They were straining because the wind was against them, He calmed the wind.
YIKES!!!
What this means. I am straining. I strain every day. The wind (or you know my dishwasher, computer, my kids etc) is against me. So instead asking him to calm my wind, I choose to strain. Daily. What am I thinking! So this week. I have made the conscious decision to not strain against my winds. Now, since I made this decision, Jim's work computer died, my dishwasher caught of fire, and I have had 2 trips to down town LA. However, none the less, I am not strained. I am choosing not to strain against these things. This means I am making a daily decision (sometimes hourly, or minute!), to ask God to calm my wind for me. I can now laugh at my half burnt dishwasher, my messy desk with so many computer parts I can't even see the granite, and my gas tank that in 3 days I have had to fill up twice...(OK, not really laughing at the last one!) and FYI it works! I feel good, I am truly feeling good about my winds at my sail. I am not straining, but instead enjoying this ride that I call my life. Infact so much so that I may even upload some pictures for another post...if I can find my ports...:)

I Lost my Job

This past month has been hard. Really hard. Since I feel I am able to share some of my feelings on here with you...In a nutshell, here it is. It down right sucked. I was feeling empty, lost, and could not find my way. I was having trouble sleeping (not eating...that I did just fine), doing my daily devotionals, daily chores, and even taking care of my kids. Unless you call throwing a piece of cheese and sandwich meat at them for lunch...and dinner. I knew I was headed down a road, that could spiral down quickly if I did not snap myself out of it. The road of depression. After all, I lost my Job. My responsibility to be a house wife. Not to brag or anything, but I was a rockin' house wife to Jim. I supported him in his wants and dreams, encouraged him, loved him, fed him well, and gave him his wants and desires...even if I had a head ache. Then 4 weeks ago, I lost my job. My job I was sooooo good at. It hurt, a lot. I was reading my friend Caz's blog the other day, and it hit me. I did not loose my job, my job just went to another country. I still need to do all of those things, just in other ways now. I still need to love, support and encourage my amazing husband that God gave to me. Its an honor every day I look down at my wedding ring, and remember my amazing husband we is working so hard to support our family, who I am sure misses us 5 times more than we miss him. While I am here, I have my 4 kids to love and hug in the sad times, he has nobody.
It is a high honor for a wife to be chosen from among all womankind. To be the wife of a Godly man....Great power is placed in her hands. Will she wear her crown beneficially? Will she fill her realm with beauty and blessings? Or will she fail in her holy trust? Only her married life can be the answer.

Jim Dear, I love you, and love what you do for us. You are an amazing husband, and an amazing dad. Every day I consider it an honor to be loved by you, that you would have, and choose me to be your wife.
I love you honey.

This might be a party pooper

Sorry for the lack of posts. Its not that I don't have anything to say that isn't blog worthy, its completely blog worthy. But my amazing mom always said "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all". I have been in a little funk for the last week, had nothing nice to say. So you ask what about the 2 weeks before that? Well, I soaked up every last minute of Jim I could...I should back up.
Jim came home from Qatar on Sept 1oth. The day before we had Tara's 3rd birthday party (maybe I will write about that later...) When he came home, we new it was going to be his last time home for a bit....a long bit. Jim and I have prayerfully decided for him to move to Qatar for the next 2 years. While we both were in agreement over this, It has not been easy since he has been gone. Jim is my best friend, my soul mate, my love. It hurts, and I am sad everyday he is gone. I miss him like a crazy person, yet I know this is a good thing, and he needs to be there. Right now is not the right time for us to go there as a family. I am not saying not ever, just not now. So for the 2 weeks from Sept 10th I soaked up every minute of him. Got my "love tank" full. We went on about 2-3 dates every week, cozied up in bed when the kids were at school, played hookie from work, and enjoyed each other. Now, I might be going thru with drawls! :) So this last week has been incredibly hard. I need to find a rhythm. Right now I just feel like I am walking in a fog. It will get easier, I will be able to manage, I will be OK, I will find a rhythm. Right now, I just need to breathe. I have a song that a friend of ours wrote from church. It says "Never alone, you are always here right by my side, I have nothing to fear, only you have made me worthy". He has made me worthy, for such a time as this.

3 years old, and 2 years.

Today my Baby turned 3. Its been an emotional day. So many things. Its my blog so I will tell you want I want, and keep in what I want as well. I always have a hard time with Tara's birthdays. There are emotional to say the least. On top of all that, Jim is in Qatar again. He comes home again on Friday, but, then leaves again shortly after that. We as a family have decided for him to move there to Qatar for the next 2 years. We obviously have not come to that decision lightly, as my husband, my kids dad will be away for 2 years. We have talked a little of "us" moving there. There is A LOT to think about that. The main factor would be that if Cardiology does not give us the approval that it would not even be considered. The other factor is school. There is an American Private school there (and I hate to say this, but they would most likely receive a better education there....). but taking a Junior Higher out of school, and away from his friends for 2 years seems like it can't be a good thing...right? Also my family. My mom, sisters (their husbands), brother (his wife), My nephews, my nieces, my Tyler and Sarah (even though there are technically niece and nephew I think of them more as my kids, and I am fairly sure my sister will not give them up for the next 2 years...). Our house, our belongings, our dog (well, he would go right?), my car, Jim's car, our business here, our Church, our friends, the fact I have made a commitment to the Internship for the next 1 year. Like I said, its been an emotional day. So glimpse there you go. I need to stop crying now, because I am fairly sure this many tears could most likely fry my computer.
So baby Happy Birthday, you amaze and inspire me. I am honored and blessed every time you call me mommy, that God would choose me to be your mom, its a privilege.
Oh, and because I am already emotional, today also marks the day of Regional Center not providing any more services for her. So Miss Alicia, and Miss Nancy, thank you so much for taking the time to love on our baby. Its been such a delight to see her grow with us over these last 2 1/2 years.
Seriously I am a wreck....

2 year old ism's.

This will be fast as I have 5 under 5 here right now! :)
In the car with my younger 3 and Ty and Sarah (my niece and nephew) there was a conversation between the litle girls who are both 2 (and potty trained, thankyouverymuch...) it looked like this.
Tara: Sarah, I pootie (pootie is our word for ummm passing gas)
Sarah: *a moment later* Tara, I pootie too!
Tara: Sarah, I pootie again!!
both girls then laugh, and Sarah then gets a really trying to pootie look on her face...
Sarah: Tara...oops, I poop.

*have no fears, the poop did not actually come out, it just ummm shall I say, "took a peek"*
NO CARSEATS OR PRINCESS PANTIES WERE RUINED IN THIS POST

Wise beyond his years

My kids have felt the sting on death again. A little over a month ago now, Jim's Grandma Nannie "went to heaven". When I told the kids with hot tears coming down my face, I told them I had good news and bad news. They asked for the good news first. "Grandma Nannie got to go to heaven last night!!" The kids jumping up and down clapping their hands, so excited, with such child-like faith. The bad news, "we don't get to see her anymore". The cheering subsided, just a bit, but quickly went back to clapping and all the fun Grandma Nannie is having.
This morning, as Jake came down for breakfast, he tells me of his dream.
Jake: Mom I had a bad dream last night
Mom: oh, I am sorry bud, want to come tell me about it?
as Jake comes over and cuddles on my lap
Jake: yeah, I dreamed that Grandma Nannie died.
Mom: Oh, Jake, I am so sorry, I know you miss her, remember, she did die.
said with more hot tears coming down my face
Jake: ha, your so funny mom, She is not dead, she is just in heaven.
Mom: yes, but you go to heaven when you are dead bud.
Jake: Mom, if Grandma Nannie is dead, then Jesus would be dead, and he is not dead because He is alive and in my heart.
Mom: You are so very right Jakey Bake Jesus is alive, and Grandma Nannie is alive too.
Jake: I know, I just don't have to see her, but I know she is alive because I can feel Jesus.

My sweet Jakey you are so wise beyond your years. You teach me something daily. The bible calls us to have Child Like faith. Not to be Childish, but have the faith of a child. Today Jake showed me the Child Like Faith we are called to have.

Rose Colored Glasses

I have decided to take a leap of faith, and Intern for my church! Everything was finalized today, and I start officially mid September so that is why this is the first you are hearing of it! I will give you a little information, as well as a bit of my Intern Application Autobiography information.
The Internship program lasts 10 months it entails 1. hands on training where you get trained from your mentor hands on...I am interning under the Senior Pastors wife Sherry who overseas Women's Ministry. This will be 4 hours of office time, plus an additional 10-15 hours per week doing other duties for my ministry I am interning under. 2. Orientation Weekend (Mid Sept) 3. Classroom sessions. Pretty much every Wed. night for the next 10 months count me out. 4. Reading Assignments. There is 10 books that I will read in the next 10 months, and do a book report on it. (this is probably going to be my favorite part/easiest part, as I LOVE to read, and write down what I have learned, plus I took a sneak peak at the list of books from last year, and I think I have read 6 out of the 10, so I already know I love the books!) 5. 2 Saturday all day training days. 6. Leadership conference. We will go as a group, and its usually a 3 day conference. 7. Missions trip. All interns are expected to go on an International Missions Trip. This will be my BIGGEST challenge by far. I have no issues with going on Missions Trips, however I have a VERY tender heart, and I may never come home...Just forward my mail to me in the Dominican Republic and ship my husband ands kids over... 8. Give significant amount of time towards Church wide functions...I already do this. 9. Fundraising. This will be very hard on me too...I don't do well with asking people for things, especially for me. However I will need to fund raise to be able to send myself on the Missions Trip. This is a very vital part of the process though, my support letters will also include support for me in this process, as with all of the above mentioned things...I might need baby sitters, and people to fold my laundry...
So here parts of my Autobiography:
"Being an intern has always been on my heart. I knew right from the beginning I wanted to be one. I vividly remember sitting in the theater next to my sister Lorraine while the announcements were being given, and the first announcement for the Intern Applications was given. I had a huge smile on my face and told my sister, "oh, I want to do that!" She looked down at my pregnant belly (with Jake) and told me now was probably not the time. Again the next year "not right now". They were right. 4 years ago was not the time. Now I believe it is. While I am not going into this with rose colored glasses, as I know this is going to be one of the most challenging things I have ever done, my heart is still being tugged, and if not this year then when? Something I have learned is growth is never easy. When I look back on my life and see when I have done the most amount of growth it was not when things were easy and laid back, but rather when things were hard, and crazy."
"My desire for Christian service has not been something that was ever lacking. I have always felt even from a very young age that church should not be just a place to "go" but rather be. It helped growing up and having parents that showed me the example of helping and being involved in church. At a very young age my mom was taking all 4 of us kids on Mexico missions trips, serving at food banks, serving meals at Thanksgiving dinners for the homeless, taking Church mailers home for us kids to work together to stuff, reading off phone numbers to help her make phone calls, and letting us help her bake or cook for pretty much any even the church had. She truly has a servants heart, and has instilled this to all 4 of her kids. My prayer everyday is that I can install this into my kids. I never want my kids to feel like church is something to just go to, but rather "be" the church. Even at my kids' young age, thy are being Christ's hands and feet. when last week after going thru at McDonalds and Jake saying "I have enough toys, I think Haiti will like this one" (Jake however does think that Haiti is a person not a country, but we are working on it!) I knew something was on track, and my kids are truly starting to "get" the fact that we are His hands and feet."
"I am so looking forward to starting this new chapter in my life. While I know this challenge will be hard, I also know that thru my greatest challenges, is when I have reaped the largest of rewards."
So there you have it...where you will find me the next 10 months! :) Please keep me in your prayers! Oh, and come fold laundry...

Laurens hope

This is for all my heart mommy friends out there!
Laurens Hope has the cutest Medical ID bracelets out there. I have always gotten Tara's from there. Right now, we just get the Velcro ones (we have Hot pink, Light Pink, Camo, and Purple, I told you we are fans!) and I can't wait for her to get a little bigger to be able to wear the Swavorski Crystal ones. So cute, not like the typical stainless steal ones you see, they even have Med. Id watches and Necklaces. So hope of and check out their styles. Plus...if you mention them on your blog (shameless plug like I just did) they give you a $50 gift certificate to get your started...not to shabby!
LOVE THEM! Shameless plug now over.
And since my link doesn't seem to work the website it:
www.laurenshope.com

Make a wish

This little girl is pretty excited, she has been granted a wish from Make a Wish!

She is pretty excited as you can tell! :) There was some talk/brainwashing trying to happen for a bit to decide what to do, she wanted juice, mommy was teaching her how to say pool. However in the end we decided a make over of her room would be great!! Soooo this is before: I can't get the whole room in there, but Tara's new big girl bed is on the right of the picture, (my niece Sarah is in the crib that I have not take out of there yet...) and Toris bed is on the left side of the picture. They have these great cubbies in there rooms which are such a great size (as you can tell by the crib fitting in their perfect) so I am thinking we are going to have a bed put into each of the cubbies (like full or queen) then have the frilly netting put up on the peak of the cubbies (can't really see, but just before the chandaliers) and try to get a closet put in there! Plus tea party stuff, as she loves her tea parties!! So, tea party fairy room it is! I think it fits! Plus Tori is pretty excited because in her words "I didn't even need to have a heart and I get a new room too!" (we have been telling the kids the reason why Tara got to make a wish is because of her special heart...Tori just left out the special part!) The boys are definatlly not sad at all though, as the Make a Wish people that came over to the house were AMAZING and so sweet and gave a gift to all of them, so they are way to busy playing with their new toys to worry about the girls having a "girly room"!

I will forsure post after pictures, but until then, Make a Wish Rocks!!

Who has the best Bumpa?

WE DO!!!!
When my parents came over for dinner the other night my dad (Bumpa) let the kids "surf" on his chest. They had such a great time!
Jake catching a wave

Tori was a lot more tenative about the whole process, but figured it out!
Tara was having a blast!!

I dont have any pictures of Elijah, but he was ummm a little to big to catch this wave!

Houston, I think I have some swimmers on my hands.

I know I wasn't surprised. Jim and I both swam competitively, however this summer my dreams of having swimmers, came alive!
Jake is doing so well, as long as he has someone pretty close to him he can go the entire length of the pool this way!

Tori listens ever so closely to all of the instructions to make sure she gets it exactly perfect...she does. She loves following directions, so it works perfect. Her back stroke is the yummiest backstroke I have ever seen...ifidosaysomyself...as retired swim instructor! Jake working on his back stroke not quite getting the thumb up pinkie in part...wish I had a picture of Tori's, but all the ones I snapped just has her face, no arms.

Tara is really getting the hang of her "back floats" and keeps saying "No I do do all myself". She just sits back and chilaxes.

Last session my sister and niece (Sarah) and nephew (Ty) took it with us too. I snapped this picture of my sister and Tara...sweet I know!

Have you ever seen a sweeter girl getting ready to be a monkey getting ready to be snatched right out of a tree? I think not!

I have also decided to put Jake and Tori on a swim team this year. There is one that I think will work perfect for them for the next little bit, its just a community swim team here in La Verne, and only goes 3 months, so its a good taste for both of them. If they like it, and I can hack the back and forth with everything else I have on my plate then we will go for a competitive team. Wish us luck!

Crutches and Bear

Today was a big day. Big. Huge. Hence why I am still up at 1 am. Ok, maybe not (I am just a night owl). But none the less. A big day. I have moved Tara to her own room SEVERAL times before. However I have always kept the crib in my room (we had 2). Just in case. In case she is sick, in case she is just off, just in case. However for the majority of her last nearly 3 years of life she has been in my room (lets just say she has either been in my room or the hospital!). Well, about a month ago I moved her. To a big girl bed. Its not a crib. In her own room. She loves it. She likes sleeping in there. She was excited to be in there. Last week I got an email from a friend. She said someone was looking for a crib for a house for battered women. A women came in and had a baby. I didn't even think twice and told them I had one. They came and picked it up today. Today I have a large empty spot in my room. Next to my bed. Where my baby has slept since she has been home from the hospital. Today, my crutch was taken. My If she is sick she will be closer to me spot. It will be filled with a fake tree (its a big room, it needs a tree). I no longer have a bed in my room for my baby. My crutch is gone.
This sweet little bear has been on her crib since my sweet little girl came home from the hospital. Sweet isn't it. This bear has significance to me. Maybe not to Tara (she did pose with it though!) When Tara was VERY sick one of Jim's friends came to visit us at the hospital. His name is Chris. She was in Huntington Hospital for maybe a week. My baby was 2 weeks old (she was a week old when she was admitted to Huntington Hospital). My baby that nobody really got to know when she was healthy. My baby that I was so proud of, her beauty, and even though it was hard to see her like that (with tubes, lines, swollen etc), she was beautiful to me. She was my beautiful girl, that I wanted to show off, but people who came to see us weren't really coming to see her. They were coming to see us. To make sure "we" were ok. I understand, and am sooooo grateful for everyone who came to bring us meals and love on us. We did need it. Looking back I think it was a type of beauty that only a mother can love. Tubes and lines don't scream beautiful baby. FYI. :)
When Chris came that day he brought us the bear. Wrapped up super cute (thinking his wife has something to do with it!) with a card. The card that said "Congratulations on your new baby" Love Chris (and family who I am leaving out for privacy...I didn't tell him I was going to blog about it! Its only fair!) Chris does not know what that card, and this sweet little bear meant to me. Someone was coming to see her, admire her beauty, and congratulate us on our new baby. Chris came, brought us a meal (Mexican I think?) and a present for our little girl to love on.

She may not hug and kiss it every day, but every night as I went to sleep seeing her crib in my room, and the sweet little bear attached reminds me of the day when friends came. Came and loved on my girl, congratulated us on her beauty, and meant more to me that day then he ever realized.

So tonight I go to sleep without her crib in my room with the sweet little pink bear attached to it staring at me as I drift of to sleep. Thank you Chris. Thank you for lifting my spirits that day nearly 3 years ago. You made me feel normal. That I had a normal baby, that my normal baby was beautiful.

PS. The bear is now attached to her big girl bed. To someday remind her. Remind her of her beauty and that people cared.

The natives are getting restless.

So, looking back, I have not posted ANY pictures of the kids on here since April. Well, they have grown...sorry.

I think the biggest news, is that they are in Swim lessons. They LOVE it! Tori is seriously turning out to be my little swimmer. A few days ago she did the most beautiful backstroke to me. About 20 yards of it. I am thinking that after a few more weeks of this I may decide to put her into a US swim team. The Claremont Club (where I swam at) is not far from my house, so I am thinking there! You know, because I am not busy enough. Jake as well is doing incredibly well at swimming. He can swim a bit unassisted, but I dont think he will be able to go on a swim team quite yet. I might look into lessons thru the year? We will see. Tara as well is doing GREAT! This girl L-O-V-E-S the water. You can't tell with the first pictures I am posting...well, because she screamed...the entire time! but the second day she loved it...I promise. She is now floating on her back, all by herself, kicking like a maniac, blowing bubbles, and loving every minute of it. I think it helps that her very best friend/mortal enemy is in swim lessons with her (Sarah my niece). Elijah did not go into swim lessons this year. He didn't want to. :(

Elijah also has some big news. He has been saving money since January to buy a bike. Like a lot of money. He managed to save $280. Not bad for a 12 year old! So he got his long awaited bike last week. We bought it for $300 so we had to put in a bit of money, but lets just say it was a job well done. Plus I like to "own" a portion of his bike. You know, in case I need to take it away. :)

Tori as well got a new bike. Its HOT pink and black and super cute. She loves it, and is doing well on it. We still have the training wheels on it, she is umm lets just say SUPER coordinated, so we will keep those on for a bit....

In other big news, Tori starts kinder in just 2 short weeks. :( Have no doubt there will be pictures for that! And tears for mom as well. sniff. My baby is growing up!

Jake and Tara also start Sonrise pre-school on Sept 1st, Taras 3rd birthday is coming up in Sept. Big party of course! The annual Carlson Backyard Birthday Bash with Blood Drive of course! Tentative date is Sept 11th for the party (so mark your calenders), still need to confirm with the blood donor people. Trying desperately to get American Red Cross, but am thinking its going to be USC blood drive again, they were so incredible to work with last year, and super sweet. I would rather do American Red Cross to choose where the blood goes, but USC was great and donated half of the blood we collected to Huntington for us. So we will see!!!

Well, Jim has my camera today, so I only have these 2 pictures, but be rest assured I do have more, and hopefully will post later today. But for now, hopefully these will calm the natives....and by natives I mean Grandmas.

Heart mumbo jumbo and why I can't sleep.

Its nearly 12:30 am. I can't sleep. I am exhausted, but yet when my head hit the pillow about an hour and a half ago (right after the Bachlorette...my obsession!) my mind began to race. I wont go into all of it, but the short story is: Jim and I have gotten an attorney for Tara. She needs additional medical insurance, and we have tried every option. I consulted with a friend who has dealt with special needs kids for way longer then I have, and this is the route she needed to go as well. Its different. I can't say I fully understand everything, and every time I think of it, it makes me mad. We applied to get health insurance thru the ADA with medi-caid or medi-cal. We were turned down. Turns out that if you make over a certain amount of money every year, you can't have a child with disabilities. Well, as it turns out, you can. The state just chooses not to recognize you. Frustrating to say the least. So, needless to say, this is the only route we found. She needs continual health care. And with Jim being self employed, and us having to pay for our insurance monthly on our own, and with the insurance company able to increase your rates 8% every quarter at their will...Lets just say its not getting any cheaper. Our insurance company knows we have no other option...so we have been increased. The max amount every quarter. (hmm, maybe its not the short story of it all!)
So why has this gotten me flustered tonight...well, today Jim and I had a long chat with the attorney (again...the process started about 6 months ago). They have officially decided to take our case on, and today asked for detailed attempts of the first 72 hours before her birth, her birth, and the first 24 hours after she got sick. Its all the emotions on the grid. 72 hours before my water had broken, but nobody believed me. I went in several times before to Labor and Delivery. They kept telling me I was peeing my pants...they said it happens often with women who just "don't know" what it feels like to have their water break...HELLOOOOOO NOT MY FIRST BABY!!! I knew. After reviewing all of the hospital records, the attorneys office now knows too. They believe me. Not because they trust me, but because they saw the hospital records. My water did break prior to delivery. The delivery that when I got to the hospital, they disregarded. Sent me to the bathroom with my husband to pee in a cup. I was in pain. Transitional labor. FYI it hurts. Just a few hours before I was sent home saying my water had not broken, my contractions were braxton hicks, and that I still had 3 weeks before my delivery would happen, they told me I was not dilated at all. The day before in the doctors office I was at 4 cm dilated. I didn't know you could re-gress with that kind of stuff? As it turns out you can't. But yet they sent me home. But with the kind words of "oh, honey you will know when you are really in labor". Yet just a few hours later I was again in that same hospital delivering my daughter in the quiet bathroom with my husband catching my daughter over the toilet. My precious daughter. My 4th child. My 2nd girl. The baby we would call Tara. Tara was born with a perfect heart. Whole and complete in every way. My husband after catching her looking up at me with fear in his eyes saying "honey, I know it hurts, but I am going to need to to pull that help cord behind you so we can get some help in here". The next part was such a blur. My husband took complete and total control over the situation. When the nurse finally arrived she was flustered. She only had 1 hemostat. After talking to herself for quite awhile, my husband finally took charge yet again and said "clamp the baby" She looked at him stunned, then figured out she was the L&D charge nurse and decided she should oh I don't know...do something. She told me to hold my cord. When my husband walked me out of the bathroom several minutes later as we walked by the nurse me still holding the cord her words still ring in my head. "Now make sure you hold your cord up or you will bleed to death". Geez...thanks lady.
then fast forward a week. To the day I will never get out of my mind. The day when my life was forever changed. To September 14th, 2007. The day I was told to say goodbye to my daughter. The day when my worst fears were coming up. When in my dark moments I wondered if they even made caskets that small to fit a newborn. How to have a funeral for a newborn. Who comes. Not all of our friends had met her yet. Her Grandma had not even met her yet, she had not gotten to smell her beautiful newborn smell, to see her piercing blue eyes, or the chubs around her neck. To kiss to most wonderful cheeks you had ever seen. How do you plan a funeral for the most beautiful girl who the world, or all of your family and friends had not gotten a chance to know. How do you tell her adoring brothers and proud sister that she would not come home again? We didn't have to. God stepped in. He told me that very day. It was clear as anything I have ever heard. "She will live". It was not an easy road. Its still isn't an easy road. We walk thru it everyday. Everyday when I give her medication in the morning and at night, I am reminded. When I hook her up to her monitor when I kiss her goodnight and tuck her in. When I tell her how special she is. When I tell her that God is the strength of her heart. (Psalm 73:26 the verse I hung to for over 3 months in the PICU). When I go and give her (and her brothers and sister too) one last kiss before I go to bed, and sit back and adore she sweet cheeks, her chub neck, and her pale/blue skin. When I am in bed asleep, and her monitor goes off letting me know something is wrong with her heart, and I race down the hall half asleep, but getting more awake with every beep I hear not knowing what is happening. Adrenaline kicks in. Its hard to go back to sleep after that much adrenaline has gone thru your system. Yet on a regular, if not daily basis, its my new normal.
You see, this is what gets brought up even more on the days when I am asked to re-live that day. All the moments I can barely remember, yet will never forget. Tonight I write. Not write for you, but for me. To capture some of these moments and feelings. Feelings again that I will never forget. For this, I am bitter sweet. Because, when I re-visit these feelings of despair, anguish, and fear, I can sit back and remember how big my God is, and how he loves me so. For tonight when I tucked my miracle into bed and I told her that God was the strength of her heart, and her portion forever. She said it with me. "Gobs my hawt, an my porpin foweber". Yes baby He is. He is mine as well baby, He is mine as well.

Life is Blogable

Tonight at church we had a special Women's Bible Study. It normally meets on Thursday mornings, but tonight they had a special one for the women who are not able to make it on Thursday morning. I went. I of course loved it, Pastor Sherry always knows how to bring it...tonight was no exception...it was broughten! :)
After church I needed to get gas. I don't always like to get gas at night, but I had 3 miles to empty. Church is 20 miles from home. It was either get gas, or get stuck. I choose the first one. While there I see Eric. Eric is a VERY young (maybe late 20's) homeless man that frequents our church. I see him often, on Sunday I saw my friend (and hair stylist) Elsa cutting his hair. She is sweet like that. Tonight Eric went up to the lady at the window at the gas station and asked for something. I am not sure what, but when I saw him there I hurried over to him and we had a conversation. It went like this:
Me: Hi Eric, I will get you what ever you want.
Eric to the cashier: Can I have a soda and chips?
Cashier: what kind (she was a little pissy, but what ever)
Eric: Pepsi and Cheetos please.
cashier goes to get items
Me: I am Kathie by the way from the church.
Eric shakes my hand and nods his head. There is then this long awkward pause...
Eric: I knew you were from the church.
Me: Oh, did you recognize me from there?
Eric: No, its just people from the church always give to me, I never need to ask.
at this point tears were being held back. I gave that awkward silence now...I could barely speak.
Me: well, Eric I want you to know that we all love you, and pray for you, and if you ever need anything we are always here for you.
Eric: I know.
Me: Do you want anything else? Maybe a sandwich for tomorrow?
Eric: yeah, can I have beef? (said to the cashier as she was back now)
Cashier: I have turkey or chicken
Eric: chicken is good
The cashier then gives Eric his sandwich chips and his drink.
Eric: thank you
Me: anytime. I will see you soon, we are there tomorrow night again. Let me see if I have any cash for you in case I don't see you then.
Eric: OK.
we walk to my car which is done pumping gas by now, I open up my change drawer and give him everything I have...maybe $7.
Eric: Thanks, see you soon.
he walks away, I then tend to my car. Pull out the nozzle, put it back on the pump etc. The cashier then comes out of her "area" to have a cigarette break, and offers me one. I decline, but thank her. She then "fingers" me over to her. I walk over, and we have a conversation. Its went like this:
Cashier: so whats his deal? He just looks so young.
Me: I am not sure, I see him often at my church, he is very sweet.
Cashier: Do you know anything about him?
Me: Nope, but its not my job to know.
Cashier: so what is your job?
Me: I am just a mom. But as a Christian my job is to love him, pray for him, and care for him anyway I can.
Cashier: so you don't get paid to do this?
Me: No, I do it because I care.
Cashier: hmmm, interesting.
Pause...
Cashier: well, have a good day. Are you sure you don't want one to take with you? (as she lifts up her cigarette box)
Me: no thanks for the offer though, have a good night.
Cashier: you too.
I left there, almost unable to speak. So many things about that night. I cried nearly the entire way home.
I love blogable moments. but even more, I love that God ordains conversations thru our daily lives.

Its on...Lets fight.

I have always been a bit of a feisty girl. I am the first one to stand up for what I believe in, have no problems arguing when I know I am right (and even when I don't know I am right...I am working on it). Many-O times I have found myself thinking "I could take him, its on". While in High School and College I played Water Polo. Its not a sport for the faint of heart. Nor for the weak. If you don't feel like being punched, grabbed, kicked, scratched, bloodied, bruised, being held under water for what feels like an eternity, I don't recommend playing. As, besides those things mentioned above what consists of the game, is you doing it back to people. There is a saying "What ever the ref does not see, didn't happen" well, just FYI the Ref can only see you from your neck up. There is a lot that goes on under water. A lot. So while at church on Sunday listening to a rockin' message by our incredible Pastor, I found myself wondering from the scripture he was reading. My heart strings were pulled by 2 verses, so I am compelled to share. I will get to it...just not yet.
So even though I find myself thinking I am the feisty girl mentioned above, why is it when Satan attacks instead of saying "its on...Lets fight" I give in, or give up? It doesn't happen all the time, but enough that it was on my heart and mind this week. Sometimes I feel like, "Its to much work to fight. He can have this one, but I am totally going to win the next one". I shouldn't do that. I have the ability to fight and win each and every time. He has given me that power. I don't even have to do it alone...He will fight next to me. Not only fight next to me, but even though in a few punches along the way when I get tired. I do have to ask for His help...and have the tools, but lets face it, that a heck of a lot easier then just letting him "OK, you got this one, but I am totally going to win the next one". A while back I read a book called "Prayer is Invading the Impossible" by Jack Hayford. The first chapter changed my life. Let me just give you a few things from the book "Prayer can change anything. The impossible doesn't exist. His is the power; ours is the prayer. Without Him, we cannot. Without us, He will not." "Prayer is not the mystical experience of a few special people, but an aggressive act in the face of impossibility-and act that may be performed by anyone who accepts the challenge of learning to pray." Prayer gives us the tool to fight and win...each and every time. Let me, help you God says...but you have to be willing to ask Him to help you. Sometimes I feel very lacking in this part. So many times through out my day I feel over whelmed, out numbered, and out witted. Its doesn't have to be this way. "The impossible faces us all. It storms, fumes, looms before us, stalks our days, presses upon our minds, bends our plans, stands formidably across our future, pierces our present, reaches out from our past. But there is a way to face the impossibility. Invade it!!! Not with a glib speech of high hopes. Not in anger. Not with resignation. Not through stoical self-control. But with violence. Any prayer provides the vehicle for this kind of violence." I like this...no, I love this. I love to mix a little bit of violence to my daily life! :) Remember the scriptures that I loved from Sunday...I think now is the perfect time to bring those up. The first one is Nehemiah 4:14b "Don't be afraid of them. Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your brothers, your sons, and your daughters, your wives (or husband for me...) and your homes. " that's right, the bible tells me to fight for them! My husband, my daughters, my sons, my home. They are mine, and I need to protect to protect them, and prayer provides me the tool to fight with violence. Don't get me wrong if push came to shove, fists would be flying, but be rest assured, when fists where flying I would be in prayer. The other verse Nehemiah 4:9 "But we prayed to our God and posted a guard day and night to meet this threat." This verse is HUGE!!! Do you even realize how huge this verse is? When this was written the wall of Jerusalem was only half way up. They were working on it, but at only half way up, half of their city was only protected. For me, half of my family would be protected. 2 kids out of my 4 would have protection. It would not be something I would take likely. How would I handle it I would pray to my God, and post guard day and night to meet this threat. It goes on to say in Nehemiah that (4:17) "Those who carried materials did their work with one hand, and help a weapon in the other". How often do I go into battle un-prepared. Often, why? Because a thief comes in the night to steal, kill and destroy. He does not knock at my door while I am doing my quiet time with the Lord, as I answer he does not ask "is now a good time, or would you like me to come back later when you are more prepared?" No, he comes when I least expect it. He comes when things are crumbling around me, when life has got me down, and I feel un-prepared. This is when my past comes into play. No, not my glory Water Polo days where I learned to bite, push, bruise, kick, and scratch. But rather my past when I was preparing for battle. My spiritual past comes into play. My spiritual past when I prepared, I read His word, I meditated on His word, and I prayed. So when it came time to fight, I was ready. Ready with violence. Ready to win. This is why I choose to daily prepare. I choose to daily read His word, meditate, and pray. I choose that everyday when I do these that if the "thief came in tonight, to steal, kill or destroy"(John 10:10) I am ready, I am ready to fight, ready to win, ready with violence to take him on. While playing Water Polo our coach never would send us into a tournament un-prepared. No, rather we practiced, we ran drills, we worked, we studied plays, we studied Water Polo matches on TV, we slept, breathed, and ate Water Polo. Our coach gave us the tools we needed to fight, and to win. God does the same thing. Our coach never made us do it. But rather gave us the tools, and the desire to win, we did the rest. We fought. We fought to win. Win with violence. He has given me the tool to fight, and win. Not only that, but he gave me the desire to win. Win with violence. So today, I say "I am in it to win it. Its on...Lets fight". I am ready. Ready to win, and ready to fight with violence.

The Ear Saga

So, Monday was a CRAZY busy day!! But...Crazy rockin' too! I expected to spend WAY to much money that day on things that I really didn't want to spend money on...mama needs a new pair of shoes, and I was convinced after Jim saw the bills from that day, I would be able to get a new pair in the year 2020.
9 am was our ENT visit. Since the ER tryed to hard to get out the bee bee, and mentioned most likely surgary...I half expected it. Well, ENT looks, brought up surgary, asking if he has ever had any, and said "well, I will try to flush it out with the high power flusher". IT WORKED! I am now I am the (not so proud) owner of a green bee bee. I may keep it and shove it in his 12 year olds ear one day...you know, just for fun. So, that ment no surgary, and no 30% co-pay for surgary. Total bill for that day...$35. NICE~
11 am Dentist appointment. for me, and all 4 kids. Yes, I am crazy like that. Last time Elijah and I went to the dentist (we have no dental insurance) we walked out of there spending $2137. 00 (I just found the old bill). YIKES... Not to mention the fact that I was going to be adding 3 more kids to that bill. I was scared. So filled out all the new forms etc. Got Taras cardiologys office to fax a note to dentist (with a note from Cardiology saying "don't make my baby bleed" how much do I love him, and love the fact that he loves my baby, and takes a little ownership in her) So, turns out Tara does need to be pre-medicated for any dental visit, so all the dentist did was look in her mouth and thought it all looked good. ~no charge for that, bonus~ Tori and Jakes mouth looked good, no cavaties :) and they both did GREAT for X-Rays etc. Elijah did have 2 cavaties...but they were on baby teeth that should be falling out VERY soon, so no fillings ~bonus~ mama had no cavaties either ~bonus~ So we cleaned, we polished we flouride rinsed and painted, we left!! Total bill $432 NICE~


As a treat after the well behaved dentist appointment we went to Grazianos for pizza after. Its a fun little pizza place with a few games, plus yumm food. (think Chuck E cheese, but with REALLY good food, and 1/16 of the games, plus barely any kids for lunch (we infact were the only ones in there ~bonus~ no germs and I did not look like a freak when I lysoled ummm everything) They had a little "family pack" with a Large Pizza, 4 drinks and a salad, plus 20 tockens for $20!! Total for lunch for all 6 of us $25 NICE~ ( I tipped $5)


We then started our trip home...Tara was cranky, and I went to grap her Pee night night (yes, I know, weird name, bu thats what she calls it, funny story, but she peed thru her diaper awhile back, and got pee on her night night, so when it was in the wash, and she wanted it I told her "no baby, it needs to wash your night night has pee on it" So when it was done in the dryer she took it out smelled it, rubbed it a bit, and said happily "my pee night night" it stuck...so she still calls it pee night night.) anyways, could not find the pee night night. Lost!! AAAH. I was freaking out, went back to Grazianos, not there...found it at the dentist fortunatlly, so got it back. Close call, to much of a close call, so we made a stop at Walmart on the way home and purchased another one. Well, it needs to be puked on, peed on, spit up on, and washed a gazillion times, but we found another...on clearance...$8 NICE~

So all in all, good day, and spend much less! NICE~
Bee bee out...total cost
$35 ped. copay
$100 ER visit
$154 Ear drops (not covered by insurance)
$35 ENT specialist
Total $324

Why I am convinced I need a seperate "label" for hospitals.

So, last week when Tara was admitted, I realized that I did not have a "label" for just hospitals. I had one for Parks and Hospitals (funny, not sure what that was all about, but I will need to re-read that when I am not exhausted). So as of today, I will make a new label...for just hospitals. Why not...Tara after all has had LOTS of hospital trips. We also LOVE Huntington, so I might want to say something about them...I would label those "hospital". Tonight's post. I will label hospital... Why, because I spend the better part of today in the hospital.
Now, onto the story....or the saga, as life continues, and I swear my life will be on an ABC comedy show at some point.
So today around 1ish pm. As I am dealing with a sick little boy again (Jake, just can't seem to kick the virus Tara had), Elijah comes down from his room when he was "cleaning"...and we had a conversation that looked like this...:
Elijah: "hey mom, there were some bee bees in my bed last night, and I think one went into my ear."
Mean mom: "bee bees don't just go into your ear when you are sleeping, is there something else that you need to tell me?"
Elijah: "geesh mom, why don't you EVER believe me when I tell you something" (said with a total attitude, as he is 12 and knows EVERYTHING already, you know, fyi just in case you didn't know)
Mean Mom: "well, if there is something you would need to tell me, I would prefer you tell me now before I find out later".
Elijah: "mom, I told you I think it just went in there when I was sleeping"
think is now the key word that I hear, as I have heard this "saying" before when he was lying...
Mean Mom: "Elijah, I just want to remind you what happened to liars in bible times, and honey if I find out you are lying, I will not be opposed to those types of punishments."
as we walk over to my bible, as I am not totally sure what happened to liars, but I am going to find out!! (which is also why I labeled myself mean mom...)
Elijah: "fine, I stuck a bee bee in my ear"
Mean Mom: WHAT!!!
Elijah: "well, I thought I could get it out, but when I stuck my finger in my ear to get it out, I couldn't grab it."
Mean Mom: "let me see"
as we walk over to the kitchen to get my flashlight...and I see sure enough, a small green bee bee...shoved into his ear.
Mean Mom: "yes, there is a bee bee in there, call your Dad"
as at this point, I went to go to the bathroom...to wonder, and talk about my sons stupidity with God, myself, and the spider I found in the tub. Probably not the brightest move, but it worked.
So I talked to Jim. Told him how far it was shoved in there, and let him know I would be taking Elijah into the Doctors when they opened back up again at 2.
Mean Mom: "Elijah, were are going into the doctors, we are leaving in half an hour, DO NOT touch your ear. Leave it alone. The doctor will see if they can get it out. Put your hands on your head and leave them there."
Elijah: "GEEZ, I don't know why you need to treat me like a baby"
again, the spider and I had a chat....
when I was finished chatting with the spider I came out of the bathroom to find Elijah's finger IN his ear with his sister "holding" his ear out.
Mean Mom: "ELIJAH does DO NOT touch your ear mean anything to you?
Elijah: "I am not touching my ear, Tori is touching my ear, I am touching the bee bee".
I believe this is when my mind went crazy and I starting thinking of all of those stories of children being locked in basements, and me thinking how horrible those parents were, but me also wishing so desperately that at this exact moment, how I wish we had a basement.
Don't call CPS...we don't have a basement.
Needless to say, we left for the doctors early....
When they got there they looked at it. Said, "wow, that's impacted, he must have really shoved it in there" as he chuckled just a bit.
Mean Mom: "I know Kyle (there only child and 2) is cute and cuddly right now, but I just wanted to let you know, that in 10 years, this situation might not be as funny to you."
He then said "Ms. Carlson, you should get your PA (Physicians Assistant). It would save you a lot of money"
I agree...as I am fairly sure that my co-pays alone pretty much keep those office doors open. But alas, I am nice like that, (and don't have time to go to school) so I choose to clothe his child, and pay for his mortgage.
Dr: "well, do I even need to tell you whats next Ms. Carlson"
Mean Mom: "Huntington?"
Dr: "see, you should get your PA"
Mean Mom: "yup, can you also call and get a referral for an ENT just in case the ER can't get it out"
Dr: "when you get your PA I will hire you here"
Mean Mom: "no need to pay me, just give me back all my co-pays"
Dr: "well, I can't do that all upfront, might need to work here for a few years to earn them back"
$35 co-pay 4 kids...I might need to work there for life... :)
So off to Huntington...
They sent us to the "fast track" area. I was sooooo excited. I had heard of this "fast track" rumors I was convinced...or like a mirage, you see it, but can never get to it. Rumor has it, you can get in and our of the treatment area in 20 minutes...I was excited...So it was our turn, my mirage was coming true!
The nurse that Tara had last week saw me...she greeted me with a hug (thats not bad right?) she was really great last week...Vanessa. She then told the "fast track" doc..who is actually a PA (which I found funny) "treat them good, they are my friends".
so he came in the room with us...right away...no delay at all!! Looked in Elijah's ear, and said, "well, I hope I can flush it out, if not I will try to "pull" it out, and if all else fails I will suck it out".
Well, in short...He could not flush it out.
He could not pull it out.
All else failed, and he tried to suck it out.
as it turns out there was a 4th option he did not mention.
We left the ER fast track area...my mirage was gone. We were put into a "normal" room. Our 20 minutes were up. They called the ENT. Turns out she did not want to come out on a Friday night for a 12 year old with a bee bee in his ear.
We left the ER...about 2 hours after we left the fast track area.
We left the ER with a bee bee in Elijah's ear. His right ear.
We see the ENT Monday am at 9 am. I am not sure what she is going to do. There is talk about "anaesthesia" and "surgical". We got started on antibiotics today. For a few reasons. 1. not sure how clean that bee bee was... and 2. again with the talk of "surgery" and things. 3. there was a lot of other things "shoved" into his ear today... 4. the flushing most likely got water stuck behind the bee bee.
So, with the bee bee in there, he can't hear from his right ear...Great. Just another reason why he wont listen to me.

Home sweet home!

Gotta love those cardiac kids and there "no reserve". My husband said it best to the ER nurse. Tara's idea of a fun time is cough, sneeze, septic. (Tara has gone septic 3 times just in case you didn't know). (and no, she did not go septic this time, but there was some concern at first because of her raging fever and it not comming down with tylenol and advil)
So we are home, she is feeling much better. Ending up being viral meaning no antibiotics, and she is fever free. Thank you for all your kind words, and your prayers. They were felt! :)
I will blog more later. But for now, my house is calling!!

Tara is admitted updating on carepages under taracarlson

Why I can't find my house

Well, we have had a crazy week so far!! Crazy not in a bad way, but crazy fun, and crazy bad, and just crazy hectic....Intreged...I hope so.
So this week will Start since Thursday. Since I am fairly sure I blogged on Wed....but not sure.
Thursday my older sister dropped off my niece and nephew Ty and Sarah (from my younger sister). they are the ones I watch during the week anyways, so when they got a trip to Puerto Viarta for a week they asked if I could watch them. I of course said yes, but then got my older sister to help out the first few days, as I was nice like that and let Jim recover a bit from jet lag first. When T my older sister dropped of the kids, she mentioned that Sarah had been cranky. Home sick I was thinking on the phone...after all, Lolo (her mama, my younger sister) had really only left her for 1 night before. Well, as soon as I saw Sarah, I knew it was not homesick, but rather sick sick. I took her temp, low grade, she was also banging on her ears, thinking ear infection I took her to the ped. I like to nip those things in the bud. Well, while at the doctors office Sarah was huggling me, and when the Dr. came in, he was checking her out, and she puked...on me. So there I am in the peds office, puke ALL down the front of me, a bit in my hair, and pooled on my lap...with 6 kids. 3 of them were freaking out "Sarah got puke on my shoe" 1 was freaked "ooooh, thats so grouse, I am going to puke too, it stinks" and the ped (he is not my kids doctor, but works in the same office, so he knows us well) says "well, its a virus, so expect them (pointing to the other 5 children) to get it"...awesome...then walks out, leaving me with puke down my shirt. So my momma instincts jump into play and I carefully get to the sink on the other side of the room, strip off my shirt, pants, and shoes, and place them in the sink, check my bra for chunks, wash off just a bit, wash my shoes shirt and pants out in the sink, ring them out, and put them back on. Walk out of the doctors office bidding farewell to the nurses, them saying "we will see you soon" getting strange looks from everyone as I leave with 6 kids, WET clothes, and kicking myself for wearing a white shirt that day. Walk downstairs, stop in the pharmacy to pick up Taras meds (we called to have them ready), said Hi to our favorite pharmacist John, who said "hey Kathie, looks like its one of those days huh"! I love our pharmacist. (just a little plug, its Sierra Pharmacy in Glendora and they ROCK huge! Like normally they DELIVER all our meds to our house, Taras meds get delivered every other week (normally on Fridays, but since I was there anyways on Thursday I picked them up), they include 6 lollipops, and 6 stickers (he knows I have Ty and Sarah during the week), and usually 4 sets of band aids (John knows my kids LOVE band aids, and when ever we are in there he loads us up with all the latest ones)...like I said, they ROCK!!
So we drove home, after loading 5 kids into car seats, and rolling down the windows, as I still stink. Got home, gave baths to all children, and me, made dinner, and put them all to bed. Sarah continued to puke thru the night, but by the next after noon, much better!
Friday, needless to say, we laid low! By Friday night Ty was feeling bad, and Saturday same thing, but woke up feeling great this am, so we went to church, then went to our annual church picnic after church. It was fun! Great food, lots of grass for the kids to run, giant waterslides, and lots of extra hands to help this mama out with all the children! Not to mention the ice cream, pie and all the other goodies!! (again, our church Rocks!) Tomorrow will be a day of laying low again, and trying to recover this house from the shambles its in. Maybe some laundry (as usual), parks, and playing in the back yard.
The kids found a frog tonight in our back yard. They kept it. They are really looking forward to "playing" with it again tomorrow. I hope they are not to sad when the realize that the frog ran away...with help from me...we don't need another frog. We killed the last one. Not purposely. In my defence, our dear friends The Kosjuks had just lost their precious daughter Reese, and I was heart broken about that, plus Tara was in the hospital, so very hard to be sure froggy had water while I was there....it shriveled up. Poor guy. So today Tori said "look, its froggy, he came back" I said "honey, things don't come back from heaven" "MOM, froggy didn't go to heaven, he ran away because he knew we were going to get a puppy and didn't want to be eaten, hasn't he gotten big" "oh, yes honey, thats right. I remember now, wow, he sure did get big". Yes, I lie to my children for the greater good. To spare them the heartache.
So there you have it, the last few days! I will blog more, after I can find my house....

Laundry Update.

Well, remember my post regarging sorting the kids laudry into their own laundry basket, well here we have it, before and after! (so yes, I am airing my laundry on my blog, its just not dirty, its clean) So this is JUST the kids laundry and towels after being gone for 5 days and working for Jim. Thats right folks, 5 loads here!
So Before... And after!!!

From left to right you have Elijah, Jacob, Tara, Tori, and towels and sheets. Plus a few straglers on the couch of random items that had no home in the baskets. I am really liking it, it really streamlines the process for everything. The girls baskets are both exactlly the same, as they go up to the same room, so I washed their stuff together, and I washed Elijahs stuff on its own, and Jakes stuff on its own, and the towels and sheets by them self. I really like this, if I could keep up with it (which I have up until last week) it was so easy, just wash the load, then fold and give to the kids,or bigger kids as Tara and Jake dont put their stuff away, but Tori and Elijah do...well, Elijah throws the entire basket into his room and hopes it lands in an open drawer, as all of his drawers are always open...and his room is always a mess (seriouslly post on its own), but Tori VERY neatly arranges everything just perfect, color coordinates, then carefully puts it away in the right drawer, then closes the drawer, and checks to make sure everything else in her room is put away, as with Tori everything has a place and order (like OCD style...)

So there you have it, airing my laundry on my blog! I like the process, it works for us!

John 3:17 (and rambling trying to fit 2 posts into 1)

I love when something you have read, or heard strikes you with a new accord, just as you need it. Today, it was done for me yet again. The verse John 3:16, everyone knows it...Say it with me now "for God so loved the world that he gave his one and only begotten son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have everlasting life". Good one. I like it, I love that my kids know that verse, as its one Christians should know. However, can anyone tell me what John 3:17 says? I tell you, I don't know if I have ever really looked at it, when referencing John 3:16 in the bible, I rarely pull it up...I know it. So today in my few minutes that I took for myself before I took my nap (because my kids gave me the best fathers day present ever by taking a 2 1/2 hour nap!) I read it, before, and after. I tell you, I have no idea why this verse is not something I have looked at or seen before, I don't know why its not written on my walls, or etched into my mirror in my bathroom. It might just be my new favorite!

John 3:17 MSG

God didn't go to all the trouble of sending his Son merely to point an accusing finger, telling the world how bad it was. He came to help, to put the world right again.

Grace, its good. Peace, its lovely. Mercy, its enduring. Help, its lifesaving. He came to help. Never did he come to accuse me (or you) about how bad we were before we accepted him as our only hearts desire. He came to help. I like help.

This week has been a challenge to say the least. *footnote, never blog and make dinner, I just burned Mac n Cheese...it is possible* I have been busy you know with my full time job. Raising 4 children, one with special needs. *another footnote, I am getting much better as using the term special needs, before I used to be almost embarrassed, now, it rolls of my tongue, as she is special, incredibly special* (and now another footnote, that is where I saved my post on Sunday as I needed to take Tara to the ER....more on that near the end of this post.) I have also been working for Jim this past week. So with my 4 kids, I have also managed the job site (on site). Not the easiest task (however I must say, I was probably the cutest supervisor ever in my heels swinging a hammer).
With Jim gone, I needed to step up where needed, HE helped. I was able to get thru past week, not on my own, but with help, from HIM. He came to help, and put MY world right again. Jim is home now, and while I (we) am still in the trenches with work as we are trying to play catch up on this past week together (as a team, I so love it), it felt so good, to know during the last 9 days, I was not alone, that HE was there to help me, every step of the way. I worked with Jim again on Monday, and Tuesday, but by today, my kids needed me, my house needed me, the laundry definately needed me!
Today, it was good to be home, its where I belong, however, I will still do what ever it takes to help my husband, we make a good team, and while catching some late dinner yesterday (seriously like 730pm) and we were sitting across from each other, he smiled at me, thanked me for all I had done the past week, and said "I like you coming to work with me, its like we are dating again, except I get to sleep with you at the end of the night". Yup, love you to honey!
So there you have it, I am now a working mama!
This week puts me into another busy week. My sister and her husband (Chris and Lolo) got this AMAZING trip given to them, so I have my niece and nephew for the next week (Tyler and Sarah).
So onto Tara now, and why the trip to the ER. On Sunday (the day I started this post...) Tara and Tori both woke with a bit of a rash, not itchy, but a rash. Didn't think to much about it, (I worked til 12:30 am so my sister (Lolo) had the kids til then). By Sunday night, the kids were starting to get itchy, I tried some hydro cortisone, some Calmoseptine, wasn't working...I gave Tori some benadryl, it worked, stopped within half hour, Tara (because of her heart) CAN NOT have any antihistamines, so, no benadryl. She was very itchy...VERY VERY itchy, like itchy enough that she scratched herself til she was bleeding. So I called her pediatrician, maybe she had a good suggestion. She didn't...she said go to Urgent Care, she might need a steroid shot. So we took her, not open...closed early on Sunday! So I called her ped again, and she said go to the ER. Lovely. 4 hours later, after seeing the doctor, we left with an ice pack...yup, doctors advice, put ice on it. $100 for the ER visit, for the doctor to tell me to put ice on it. So frustrating. I also have to watch her "scratches" and they could be a source of infection because she has scratched it so much. Thanks. Well, the good news is, she was so exhausted, and in her footy jammies, she slept good all night. Both the girls woke up not itchy, Tori's rash was gone, Tara's was still there a bit, but mostly because she scratched it so much. So we are better. I am not sure how I feel about any of that night. Frustrated, yes. Curious, of course. Overwhelmed, a bit. I just don't understand. The ice helped a bit, at least got her to fall asleep, why was that advice not given to me over the phone to save me $100. Our ped is most likely OVER concerned over Tara (she has been with her since the beginning) and the ER doc was so Ho Hum it wasn't even funny. So like I said, not sure how to feel, but frankly didn't have time to think about it to much, as Monday I was already up and ready to pick Jim up from the airport, and start the work day with him. How do other heart mamas go about it with no benadryl? Any other suggestions?
So there we have it, 2 post in 1, so sorry that I lost most of you, but I couldn't figure out where to stop the other, and where to start the next!

Your Story, John 14:11

For Tara's 1st birthday, I handed out little candles, in a glass votive jar with the word BELIEVE on it (they were stickers, and I stuck all 150 on them...just FYI), I then tied them up with a cute little ribbon on cellophane, and put a little note card on it, with the verse John 14:11.

"Believe me when I say that I am the Father, and that the Father is in me, or at least believe in the evidence of the Miracles themselves".

I loved it. Tara is the evidence of my miracle. I already believe in the Father (You should too), but if I hadn't when Tara got sick, and stayed sick for so long, and survived, I would have had to have believed in something, based on the evidence of miracles themselves. Doctors had no "medical reason" for her to survive, she was clearly a miracle, we heard that, and still hear that, almost anytime we meet, or see any doctor. They read her chart, look up several times at her as they keep reading with their jaw on the ground, and say, "you do know she is a miracle right?" (one of the last times was at the IEP meeting last week as her case had to sent to the "medical team" for review) The nurse was just shocked, and by the time she was done reading she was in tears saying "she is extraordinary, you don't EVER see this, it doesn't happen, you must know that she has a purpose in life, she is a miracle"...yes I know (HELLO...Jeremiah 29:11 Hope and a future here! ) I didn't say that, but instead I agreed, and said "I serve a mighty God, who does miracles everyday, on that day, he choose my daughter." I don't say things like that just as a "ho-hum blah blah blah", I say those things, because Tara's story is a miracle. It deserves to be told, people should believe in the father based on the miracles themselves. Its Tara's story, and people need saved.

While singing in church on Sunday we sang one of my favorite new songs called "Story" written by Paul Stephens, and James Peak of the Movement Band (The Movement is our youth department at my church, I am soooo blessed to go to such an amazing church (The Cause) where such amazing music is coming out of, and even more blessed that Elijah is now a part of The Movement). The song goes "When they hear your story, might they be saved.." its an amazing song, I have the album blaring in my car right now, (its not available on itunes yet, or I would totally link it to here....). While singing it in church on Sunday (even though I had just heard it a few minutes ago in my car on the way to church) The Spirit put a new light on that song. When I first heard of it, I immediately put it with Tara, I mean after all, her story is incredible. However last Sunday, I realized, even I have a story, you have a story, Everyone has a story. How do you want your story to play out? How do you want your story to read? That you did a good job raising your kids? sure, that sounds nice, but instead of that story for me, I want it to read out a different way. I want my story to read, that not only did I do a good job raising my kids, but that I loved God with all my heart, I praised Him in good and bad, my story lead others to Christ, then their story lead others, I want to change a generation with my story.

Everyone has a story, when you die, how do you want it to read? If you do not know Christ, and have a personal relationship with him, you have nothing. I would love to talk to anyone who does not have a personal relationship with Christ, and tell you what he has done for me. You are the only one who can change your story. You write it, and then you die (sounds harsh when you write it like that, but its the truth). How will it read?

Qatar

Jim left for Qatar today. I already miss him! :) Please keep him in prayer for the next week plus for safety, as well as favor for our business.
Also please keep me in prayer, as I am dealing with all the kids and the things that go along with 4 kids on my own this week.
I will update more later this week. Thanks for your prayers!
Love you honey, hurry home!!

The Haps

OK, sorry for lack of posts...mom. As she is the only one complaining. So here it is.

Jim is fishing right now in the Sierras. I miss him. Hopefully he gets home Thursday...unless the fishing is really good, then Friday. Pray for no fishies... :)

Everyone is healthy!!! I know, big news! Tara is retaining some fluid, but I am fairly sure its because she has gained some weight since her last Cardiology appt, so we need to change her med doses...that's my prayer at least. I will give her an additional dose of lasix today. Just to see how that goes (yes, I can, I have permission) She has a budah belly right now. I would think it was cute if it was real...I don't think its real. Her panties roll down under her "bulge".

I am looking for a little pool for the kids for outside. Not sure which way to go. There are a lot of options. I really just want a "real pool" but am learning patience. The slip and slide is always a good option, but we just layed fresh sod...they recommend not "stressing out" your new sod. I am thinking a slip and slide might stress it out? But then again having 4 kids and a dog running on it all day seems like stress too. Or when Jacob pulled up 2 pieces of sod to "remember what it looked like before grass" seems like it could have stressed it out too. Or the fact that the other night I put on the sprinklers at 10pm, but forgot to set the timer, and when I finally went to bed at 4 am (I told you I miss Jim) finally turned them off could have stressed it out. So maybe the slip and slide is not such a bad option???

The kids L-O-V-E the new concrete we poured for them on the side. They are ALL now scooter maniacs. Even Tara. Yesterday I caught a picture (that I will not post here) of Tara riding her scooter in just her helmet. Yup, way to protect your self girl. She must be trying to get rid of her tan line from our cruise still...

Got a new coffee pot and I LOVE it....seriously love it. Its the Keurig one cup thingy? Really love it. Trying to find which coffee I like best. I think it was the first box I used, which I threw the box away, and can't remember what its called. But it was X-tra BOLD. I like bold coffee. I bought some other bold stuff, but lets just say my tummy had issues after. LOVE my coffee pot.

We had Taras assessment for her IEP. She was one ball of energy and in one of her super moods. Needless to say I am fairly sure she wont qualify for anything. I think they might have even though we were liars! :) She was chit chatty, and running like a maniac. I walked away from the meeting and told Jim, well, looks like we will be getting nothing! However they called me back because they want to re-test her on some things. They called me yesterday...Our appt is today...at 1pm. Nap time. So they will either see a sleeping girl, or a melt down. Not sure which one.

I lost my keys in my house on Sunday. LOST. I came home from church and then going to the store (with all the kids) and walked in with all of the bags, a sleeping kid on my arm, and my keys. I locked my car with them, but have not seen them since. My original thought was that perhaps I threw them away when I was clearing off the counters? Well, I dug thru the big trash that night (both of them) a bit, but really could not see much, so I waited til morning (Monday is trash day) So I put the trash cans on the curb, then on Monday before I took Elijah to school looked again for a few minutes. Did not see them again, but figured I would do a much better search when I got home from taking Elijah (he was going to be late). Well, trash was picked up while I was gone...drove up just in time to see my trash cans put into the truck. Hopefully they weren't in there. I have searched toy boxes, pantry, refrigerator, dryer, office etc. Can't find them. Sad.

I signed up Jake and Tara for a new preschool. I think its a good option. Its a Christian preschool called "Sonrise". They will go 3 half days. I like the school. They also have an elementary program, so they have a speech therapy person on sight (well, there is 2 campuses, so she goes between the 2), so I like having this option. PLUS added bonus, the teacher for the 3 year olds (which Tara will be in that class because YIKES she will be turning 3) has a daughter with a CHD. I like that, she totally "gets it". I will be working at the school 1 of those days per week to help keep the cost down. Its a private preschool, so double what we are paying now, but I think worth it in the long run.

Jim leaves for Qatar (in the Middle East, but not where there is fighting) on Sunday for 2 weeks. There is a very good possibility that this will not be his only trip there, and the 2 weeks there will most likely be a short trip. I don't want to go into it, but pray for peace, and for God to be VERY clear to both him and me. This situation is most likely why there has been a lack of posts, I am stressed to say the least.

So there you go. The Haps. Your welcome.