The moment when I call your bluff

This post has been sitting in my "Que" for quite some time. With the beginnings or the ending, but never the middle. However today is the day when I lay down my cards, call your bluff and say "bull sh*t". 
Everyone says it, heck, I have probably written a blog about it, and say it often. A a church going girl, I have even believed it and said it to myself. "you got this Kat, God wouldn't give you more than you can handle". Then I got to thinking would he? So I looked. Where is the verse in the bible that says He wont give me more than I can handle? I should have that bad boy tattooed on my forehead, and written on my bathroom mirror or framed next to my bed so when I wake up to deal with one of the kids 8,000 times that night I can calmly look over at the cute little pinterest inspired frame next to my bed and say "oh yes, thats right, the bible says God wont give me any more than I can handle". Thats where this comes from.  I looked, I read my bible, I googled, I can't find it. Its not there. Like I said, I am calling your bluff, and mine to.  Now, if I was being tempted? we got that covered. God wont tempt me more than I can handle (1 Cor 10:13) that has nothing saying about being able to handle things. Things that he does give us? Burdens, yup that sounds fun. We can bring our burdens to the Lord, but it doesn't say he will take them away. Trials? We get trials of all different kinds. Yippee Can't wait.  So when we say "God wont give you any more than you can handle" to the grieving mom who is saying their last goodbye to her daughter. They sound nice and sweet, but its a lie.
Can a 5 year old little boy handle the death of their dad?
Can a wife handle being the sole survivor of a car crash killing her 3 kids and husband?
Can a mom handle their child being in and out of the hospital to many times to count?
Can the mom of a child with brain cancer handle it?
The short answer to these questions I think is no, they can't handle it.
What God does promise us? A Hope. A Future. So that I can live with. I don't need to handle all that God has thrown at me. I am ok to have a pity party. I am ok to melt down in the middle of the post office just because I don't want to "handle" my situations anymore. I am ok to ask for help, I don't need to feel like I have to handle my situation because God said He wouldn't give me more than I can handle...He never said it.  Trials, he promised and from those trials he will refine us and make us into the person he called us to be.

How do you do it

I get that question a lot. Mostly when I am dragging my 4 kids thru Disneyland by myself, or sitting at a restaraunt with 1 adult menu, and 4 kid menus, or going to the beach with all 4, or making a train thru the grocery store to keep them all in a line. I always smile and say "I have no idea". I don't. No super mad mom ninja tricks on this blog to share...sorry. It gets exhausting, but I think being a mom in general gets exhausting. I remember just having Elijah, and being exhausted, then having Elijah and Tori and thinking about signing myself up to go to a place with padded walls. Then I had Jake, more exhaustion, and straight jackets seemed like they should be mandatory, right next to the binkies in the baby section. Then Tara came, and I realized I didn't actually know exhaustion before...I think I went 11 days without sleep when she was first admitted (I should see if I quolify for Guiness book of world records). Then Jim left to Qatar, and I became a 5/6th single mom. So here is my secret...wait for it now...the word ALL. I know life changing huh? The word ALL has changed my life, for the better. Here is a few ways I like to use it..."Cast ALL of your cares upon Him" "Trust in the Lord with ALL of your heart". "pray ALL the time" "applaud God, ALL you people" "peace to you ALL who walk in His ways" "I am ALL He wants, I am the World to Him" "families stick together in ALL kinds of trouble". These are just a few of my ALL words. See why I like the word ALL is because it does not mean some, a little, or most, but ALL. I have to Trust God with ALL I have, not some little or most of my life, but ALL of it. I can't pray "some" of the time, but ALL the time. I am ALL He wants...not me and 20 billion other people, but ALL. See God does not pick favorites, just like I can't pick a favorite kid, God can't pick one of us. He chose ALL of us. He died on the cross for ALL of our sins (another great ALL). So there it is, I guess I do have a secret weapon, and obviouslly mad mom ninja skills...

How long is never?

This is a long over due post most likely, but I have been thinking about it for awhile. I guess it always comes up, as we get ready for Tara's birthday. A kiledescope of emotions comes about. Its been nearly 4 years since Tara was born, then a week after her 4th birthday, it will be 4 years since my life was forever changed. Since my "world" was shattered, and my life, and my normal that I knew before was never to be again. I live now in my new normal. Its not a bad normal, but a different normal. I often (not as much as I used to) get the question "what is Tara's health like now?" Well, the skinny...It has not changed. Her heart function is exactlly the same as it was the day we left the hospital 3 mos. after she got sick. Tara however has "learned" how to deal with her heart, and the common cold doesn't *always* send her to the hospital anymore. I then get the transplant question, or the surgary question. You see, those are the questions that are not easy to answer. Even if you have the same faith as me, its a hard question to answer. Sometimes people don't understand that I KNOW God is going to heal her. He doesn't make promises he can't keep. He told me that he would heal her, and I will take that to the bank, every day. In Deuteronomy 31:8 it says: "God is striding ahead of you he is right there with you; he wont let you down, he wont leave you. Dont be intimidated, don't worry." he wont leave me. Ever. Never. The kids were playing the other day, and I overheard a conversation about the word never, and Jake told Tara: "Never is a really long time, huh mom." I of course said yes, but then that question came to me later in my quiet time. How long is never. Is it 100 years? 10 Years? Or is it just the 4 years that my sweet girl has been with us? No, in actuallity Never is NOT a long time. Its doesn't end. Websters even says: Not ever: at no time; not in any degree; not under any condition. Not under any condition will my God ever leave me, he is right there ahead of me, striding ahead. Have you ever walked on the sand from your car down to the water, and when you walk its hard, sand is never easy to walk in, I always like to find other "footsteps" to walk in, it makes it easier to walk in the sand when someones "strides" ahead of me. God does that in my life, all of it. So when do I feel like he wont take care of Tara? Never.

Israel

Not the best picture, but one of my favorite spots, so had to include it. On a boat in the middle of the Sea of Galilee...Sureal to say the least.

Jim and I heading into the Upper Room (Where the last supper was at)

Jim and I at the Western Wall, otherwise known as the Wailing Wall (the wall outside of the Temple Mount)

Looking over the Mt. of Olives Last month I had the most incredible opportunity that I can't wait to share all 5 of you who read my blog. Even though my mom already knows...So all 4 of you.

I had the opportunity to go to Israel. The pastors of our church were taking a team, and I jumped on that chance. Jim met us there...He lives in the Middle East, so it made it much easier for him. No Jet Lag, no 16 hour flight, just a quick hop skip and a jump for him...lucky. As you can see by the pictures we had an incredible time. I took over 1,000 pictures, so I can't even show you the highlights. I am sure a few of these photos will be showing up in other posts. Oh, and because I just wanted to mention how incredibly awesome this trip was, The trip was also combined onto Jack Hayfords trip. You know, sureal. In Isreal, where Jesus walked, lived, performed miracles, died, and rose again, with Jack Hayford. Sureal...

The Wind....

So I was reading in my bible the other day, and came across the scripture..Mark 6:48. They were straining because the wind was against them, He calmed the wind.
YIKES!!!
What this means. I am straining. I strain every day. The wind (or you know my dishwasher, computer, my kids etc) is against me. So instead asking him to calm my wind, I choose to strain. Daily. What am I thinking! So this week. I have made the conscious decision to not strain against my winds. Now, since I made this decision, Jim's work computer died, my dishwasher caught of fire, and I have had 2 trips to down town LA. However, none the less, I am not strained. I am choosing not to strain against these things. This means I am making a daily decision (sometimes hourly, or minute!), to ask God to calm my wind for me. I can now laugh at my half burnt dishwasher, my messy desk with so many computer parts I can't even see the granite, and my gas tank that in 3 days I have had to fill up twice...(OK, not really laughing at the last one!) and FYI it works! I feel good, I am truly feeling good about my winds at my sail. I am not straining, but instead enjoying this ride that I call my life. Infact so much so that I may even upload some pictures for another post...if I can find my ports...:)

Wise beyond his years

My kids have felt the sting on death again. A little over a month ago now, Jim's Grandma Nannie "went to heaven". When I told the kids with hot tears coming down my face, I told them I had good news and bad news. They asked for the good news first. "Grandma Nannie got to go to heaven last night!!" The kids jumping up and down clapping their hands, so excited, with such child-like faith. The bad news, "we don't get to see her anymore". The cheering subsided, just a bit, but quickly went back to clapping and all the fun Grandma Nannie is having.
This morning, as Jake came down for breakfast, he tells me of his dream.
Jake: Mom I had a bad dream last night
Mom: oh, I am sorry bud, want to come tell me about it?
as Jake comes over and cuddles on my lap
Jake: yeah, I dreamed that Grandma Nannie died.
Mom: Oh, Jake, I am so sorry, I know you miss her, remember, she did die.
said with more hot tears coming down my face
Jake: ha, your so funny mom, She is not dead, she is just in heaven.
Mom: yes, but you go to heaven when you are dead bud.
Jake: Mom, if Grandma Nannie is dead, then Jesus would be dead, and he is not dead because He is alive and in my heart.
Mom: You are so very right Jakey Bake Jesus is alive, and Grandma Nannie is alive too.
Jake: I know, I just don't have to see her, but I know she is alive because I can feel Jesus.

My sweet Jakey you are so wise beyond your years. You teach me something daily. The bible calls us to have Child Like faith. Not to be Childish, but have the faith of a child. Today Jake showed me the Child Like Faith we are called to have.

Rose Colored Glasses

I have decided to take a leap of faith, and Intern for my church! Everything was finalized today, and I start officially mid September so that is why this is the first you are hearing of it! I will give you a little information, as well as a bit of my Intern Application Autobiography information.
The Internship program lasts 10 months it entails 1. hands on training where you get trained from your mentor hands on...I am interning under the Senior Pastors wife Sherry who overseas Women's Ministry. This will be 4 hours of office time, plus an additional 10-15 hours per week doing other duties for my ministry I am interning under. 2. Orientation Weekend (Mid Sept) 3. Classroom sessions. Pretty much every Wed. night for the next 10 months count me out. 4. Reading Assignments. There is 10 books that I will read in the next 10 months, and do a book report on it. (this is probably going to be my favorite part/easiest part, as I LOVE to read, and write down what I have learned, plus I took a sneak peak at the list of books from last year, and I think I have read 6 out of the 10, so I already know I love the books!) 5. 2 Saturday all day training days. 6. Leadership conference. We will go as a group, and its usually a 3 day conference. 7. Missions trip. All interns are expected to go on an International Missions Trip. This will be my BIGGEST challenge by far. I have no issues with going on Missions Trips, however I have a VERY tender heart, and I may never come home...Just forward my mail to me in the Dominican Republic and ship my husband ands kids over... 8. Give significant amount of time towards Church wide functions...I already do this. 9. Fundraising. This will be very hard on me too...I don't do well with asking people for things, especially for me. However I will need to fund raise to be able to send myself on the Missions Trip. This is a very vital part of the process though, my support letters will also include support for me in this process, as with all of the above mentioned things...I might need baby sitters, and people to fold my laundry...
So here parts of my Autobiography:
"Being an intern has always been on my heart. I knew right from the beginning I wanted to be one. I vividly remember sitting in the theater next to my sister Lorraine while the announcements were being given, and the first announcement for the Intern Applications was given. I had a huge smile on my face and told my sister, "oh, I want to do that!" She looked down at my pregnant belly (with Jake) and told me now was probably not the time. Again the next year "not right now". They were right. 4 years ago was not the time. Now I believe it is. While I am not going into this with rose colored glasses, as I know this is going to be one of the most challenging things I have ever done, my heart is still being tugged, and if not this year then when? Something I have learned is growth is never easy. When I look back on my life and see when I have done the most amount of growth it was not when things were easy and laid back, but rather when things were hard, and crazy."
"My desire for Christian service has not been something that was ever lacking. I have always felt even from a very young age that church should not be just a place to "go" but rather be. It helped growing up and having parents that showed me the example of helping and being involved in church. At a very young age my mom was taking all 4 of us kids on Mexico missions trips, serving at food banks, serving meals at Thanksgiving dinners for the homeless, taking Church mailers home for us kids to work together to stuff, reading off phone numbers to help her make phone calls, and letting us help her bake or cook for pretty much any even the church had. She truly has a servants heart, and has instilled this to all 4 of her kids. My prayer everyday is that I can install this into my kids. I never want my kids to feel like church is something to just go to, but rather "be" the church. Even at my kids' young age, thy are being Christ's hands and feet. when last week after going thru at McDonalds and Jake saying "I have enough toys, I think Haiti will like this one" (Jake however does think that Haiti is a person not a country, but we are working on it!) I knew something was on track, and my kids are truly starting to "get" the fact that we are His hands and feet."
"I am so looking forward to starting this new chapter in my life. While I know this challenge will be hard, I also know that thru my greatest challenges, is when I have reaped the largest of rewards."
So there you have it...where you will find me the next 10 months! :) Please keep me in your prayers! Oh, and come fold laundry...

Life is Blogable

Tonight at church we had a special Women's Bible Study. It normally meets on Thursday mornings, but tonight they had a special one for the women who are not able to make it on Thursday morning. I went. I of course loved it, Pastor Sherry always knows how to bring it...tonight was no exception...it was broughten! :)
After church I needed to get gas. I don't always like to get gas at night, but I had 3 miles to empty. Church is 20 miles from home. It was either get gas, or get stuck. I choose the first one. While there I see Eric. Eric is a VERY young (maybe late 20's) homeless man that frequents our church. I see him often, on Sunday I saw my friend (and hair stylist) Elsa cutting his hair. She is sweet like that. Tonight Eric went up to the lady at the window at the gas station and asked for something. I am not sure what, but when I saw him there I hurried over to him and we had a conversation. It went like this:
Me: Hi Eric, I will get you what ever you want.
Eric to the cashier: Can I have a soda and chips?
Cashier: what kind (she was a little pissy, but what ever)
Eric: Pepsi and Cheetos please.
cashier goes to get items
Me: I am Kathie by the way from the church.
Eric shakes my hand and nods his head. There is then this long awkward pause...
Eric: I knew you were from the church.
Me: Oh, did you recognize me from there?
Eric: No, its just people from the church always give to me, I never need to ask.
at this point tears were being held back. I gave that awkward silence now...I could barely speak.
Me: well, Eric I want you to know that we all love you, and pray for you, and if you ever need anything we are always here for you.
Eric: I know.
Me: Do you want anything else? Maybe a sandwich for tomorrow?
Eric: yeah, can I have beef? (said to the cashier as she was back now)
Cashier: I have turkey or chicken
Eric: chicken is good
The cashier then gives Eric his sandwich chips and his drink.
Eric: thank you
Me: anytime. I will see you soon, we are there tomorrow night again. Let me see if I have any cash for you in case I don't see you then.
Eric: OK.
we walk to my car which is done pumping gas by now, I open up my change drawer and give him everything I have...maybe $7.
Eric: Thanks, see you soon.
he walks away, I then tend to my car. Pull out the nozzle, put it back on the pump etc. The cashier then comes out of her "area" to have a cigarette break, and offers me one. I decline, but thank her. She then "fingers" me over to her. I walk over, and we have a conversation. Its went like this:
Cashier: so whats his deal? He just looks so young.
Me: I am not sure, I see him often at my church, he is very sweet.
Cashier: Do you know anything about him?
Me: Nope, but its not my job to know.
Cashier: so what is your job?
Me: I am just a mom. But as a Christian my job is to love him, pray for him, and care for him anyway I can.
Cashier: so you don't get paid to do this?
Me: No, I do it because I care.
Cashier: hmmm, interesting.
Pause...
Cashier: well, have a good day. Are you sure you don't want one to take with you? (as she lifts up her cigarette box)
Me: no thanks for the offer though, have a good night.
Cashier: you too.
I left there, almost unable to speak. So many things about that night. I cried nearly the entire way home.
I love blogable moments. but even more, I love that God ordains conversations thru our daily lives.

Its on...Lets fight.

I have always been a bit of a feisty girl. I am the first one to stand up for what I believe in, have no problems arguing when I know I am right (and even when I don't know I am right...I am working on it). Many-O times I have found myself thinking "I could take him, its on". While in High School and College I played Water Polo. Its not a sport for the faint of heart. Nor for the weak. If you don't feel like being punched, grabbed, kicked, scratched, bloodied, bruised, being held under water for what feels like an eternity, I don't recommend playing. As, besides those things mentioned above what consists of the game, is you doing it back to people. There is a saying "What ever the ref does not see, didn't happen" well, just FYI the Ref can only see you from your neck up. There is a lot that goes on under water. A lot. So while at church on Sunday listening to a rockin' message by our incredible Pastor, I found myself wondering from the scripture he was reading. My heart strings were pulled by 2 verses, so I am compelled to share. I will get to it...just not yet.
So even though I find myself thinking I am the feisty girl mentioned above, why is it when Satan attacks instead of saying "its on...Lets fight" I give in, or give up? It doesn't happen all the time, but enough that it was on my heart and mind this week. Sometimes I feel like, "Its to much work to fight. He can have this one, but I am totally going to win the next one". I shouldn't do that. I have the ability to fight and win each and every time. He has given me that power. I don't even have to do it alone...He will fight next to me. Not only fight next to me, but even though in a few punches along the way when I get tired. I do have to ask for His help...and have the tools, but lets face it, that a heck of a lot easier then just letting him "OK, you got this one, but I am totally going to win the next one". A while back I read a book called "Prayer is Invading the Impossible" by Jack Hayford. The first chapter changed my life. Let me just give you a few things from the book "Prayer can change anything. The impossible doesn't exist. His is the power; ours is the prayer. Without Him, we cannot. Without us, He will not." "Prayer is not the mystical experience of a few special people, but an aggressive act in the face of impossibility-and act that may be performed by anyone who accepts the challenge of learning to pray." Prayer gives us the tool to fight and win...each and every time. Let me, help you God says...but you have to be willing to ask Him to help you. Sometimes I feel very lacking in this part. So many times through out my day I feel over whelmed, out numbered, and out witted. Its doesn't have to be this way. "The impossible faces us all. It storms, fumes, looms before us, stalks our days, presses upon our minds, bends our plans, stands formidably across our future, pierces our present, reaches out from our past. But there is a way to face the impossibility. Invade it!!! Not with a glib speech of high hopes. Not in anger. Not with resignation. Not through stoical self-control. But with violence. Any prayer provides the vehicle for this kind of violence." I like this...no, I love this. I love to mix a little bit of violence to my daily life! :) Remember the scriptures that I loved from Sunday...I think now is the perfect time to bring those up. The first one is Nehemiah 4:14b "Don't be afraid of them. Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your brothers, your sons, and your daughters, your wives (or husband for me...) and your homes. " that's right, the bible tells me to fight for them! My husband, my daughters, my sons, my home. They are mine, and I need to protect to protect them, and prayer provides me the tool to fight with violence. Don't get me wrong if push came to shove, fists would be flying, but be rest assured, when fists where flying I would be in prayer. The other verse Nehemiah 4:9 "But we prayed to our God and posted a guard day and night to meet this threat." This verse is HUGE!!! Do you even realize how huge this verse is? When this was written the wall of Jerusalem was only half way up. They were working on it, but at only half way up, half of their city was only protected. For me, half of my family would be protected. 2 kids out of my 4 would have protection. It would not be something I would take likely. How would I handle it I would pray to my God, and post guard day and night to meet this threat. It goes on to say in Nehemiah that (4:17) "Those who carried materials did their work with one hand, and help a weapon in the other". How often do I go into battle un-prepared. Often, why? Because a thief comes in the night to steal, kill and destroy. He does not knock at my door while I am doing my quiet time with the Lord, as I answer he does not ask "is now a good time, or would you like me to come back later when you are more prepared?" No, he comes when I least expect it. He comes when things are crumbling around me, when life has got me down, and I feel un-prepared. This is when my past comes into play. No, not my glory Water Polo days where I learned to bite, push, bruise, kick, and scratch. But rather my past when I was preparing for battle. My spiritual past comes into play. My spiritual past when I prepared, I read His word, I meditated on His word, and I prayed. So when it came time to fight, I was ready. Ready with violence. Ready to win. This is why I choose to daily prepare. I choose to daily read His word, meditate, and pray. I choose that everyday when I do these that if the "thief came in tonight, to steal, kill or destroy"(John 10:10) I am ready, I am ready to fight, ready to win, ready with violence to take him on. While playing Water Polo our coach never would send us into a tournament un-prepared. No, rather we practiced, we ran drills, we worked, we studied plays, we studied Water Polo matches on TV, we slept, breathed, and ate Water Polo. Our coach gave us the tools we needed to fight, and to win. God does the same thing. Our coach never made us do it. But rather gave us the tools, and the desire to win, we did the rest. We fought. We fought to win. Win with violence. He has given me the tool to fight, and win. Not only that, but he gave me the desire to win. Win with violence. So today, I say "I am in it to win it. Its on...Lets fight". I am ready. Ready to win, and ready to fight with violence.

John 3:17 (and rambling trying to fit 2 posts into 1)

I love when something you have read, or heard strikes you with a new accord, just as you need it. Today, it was done for me yet again. The verse John 3:16, everyone knows it...Say it with me now "for God so loved the world that he gave his one and only begotten son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have everlasting life". Good one. I like it, I love that my kids know that verse, as its one Christians should know. However, can anyone tell me what John 3:17 says? I tell you, I don't know if I have ever really looked at it, when referencing John 3:16 in the bible, I rarely pull it up...I know it. So today in my few minutes that I took for myself before I took my nap (because my kids gave me the best fathers day present ever by taking a 2 1/2 hour nap!) I read it, before, and after. I tell you, I have no idea why this verse is not something I have looked at or seen before, I don't know why its not written on my walls, or etched into my mirror in my bathroom. It might just be my new favorite!

John 3:17 MSG

God didn't go to all the trouble of sending his Son merely to point an accusing finger, telling the world how bad it was. He came to help, to put the world right again.

Grace, its good. Peace, its lovely. Mercy, its enduring. Help, its lifesaving. He came to help. Never did he come to accuse me (or you) about how bad we were before we accepted him as our only hearts desire. He came to help. I like help.

This week has been a challenge to say the least. *footnote, never blog and make dinner, I just burned Mac n Cheese...it is possible* I have been busy you know with my full time job. Raising 4 children, one with special needs. *another footnote, I am getting much better as using the term special needs, before I used to be almost embarrassed, now, it rolls of my tongue, as she is special, incredibly special* (and now another footnote, that is where I saved my post on Sunday as I needed to take Tara to the ER....more on that near the end of this post.) I have also been working for Jim this past week. So with my 4 kids, I have also managed the job site (on site). Not the easiest task (however I must say, I was probably the cutest supervisor ever in my heels swinging a hammer).
With Jim gone, I needed to step up where needed, HE helped. I was able to get thru past week, not on my own, but with help, from HIM. He came to help, and put MY world right again. Jim is home now, and while I (we) am still in the trenches with work as we are trying to play catch up on this past week together (as a team, I so love it), it felt so good, to know during the last 9 days, I was not alone, that HE was there to help me, every step of the way. I worked with Jim again on Monday, and Tuesday, but by today, my kids needed me, my house needed me, the laundry definately needed me!
Today, it was good to be home, its where I belong, however, I will still do what ever it takes to help my husband, we make a good team, and while catching some late dinner yesterday (seriously like 730pm) and we were sitting across from each other, he smiled at me, thanked me for all I had done the past week, and said "I like you coming to work with me, its like we are dating again, except I get to sleep with you at the end of the night". Yup, love you to honey!
So there you have it, I am now a working mama!
This week puts me into another busy week. My sister and her husband (Chris and Lolo) got this AMAZING trip given to them, so I have my niece and nephew for the next week (Tyler and Sarah).
So onto Tara now, and why the trip to the ER. On Sunday (the day I started this post...) Tara and Tori both woke with a bit of a rash, not itchy, but a rash. Didn't think to much about it, (I worked til 12:30 am so my sister (Lolo) had the kids til then). By Sunday night, the kids were starting to get itchy, I tried some hydro cortisone, some Calmoseptine, wasn't working...I gave Tori some benadryl, it worked, stopped within half hour, Tara (because of her heart) CAN NOT have any antihistamines, so, no benadryl. She was very itchy...VERY VERY itchy, like itchy enough that she scratched herself til she was bleeding. So I called her pediatrician, maybe she had a good suggestion. She didn't...she said go to Urgent Care, she might need a steroid shot. So we took her, not open...closed early on Sunday! So I called her ped again, and she said go to the ER. Lovely. 4 hours later, after seeing the doctor, we left with an ice pack...yup, doctors advice, put ice on it. $100 for the ER visit, for the doctor to tell me to put ice on it. So frustrating. I also have to watch her "scratches" and they could be a source of infection because she has scratched it so much. Thanks. Well, the good news is, she was so exhausted, and in her footy jammies, she slept good all night. Both the girls woke up not itchy, Tori's rash was gone, Tara's was still there a bit, but mostly because she scratched it so much. So we are better. I am not sure how I feel about any of that night. Frustrated, yes. Curious, of course. Overwhelmed, a bit. I just don't understand. The ice helped a bit, at least got her to fall asleep, why was that advice not given to me over the phone to save me $100. Our ped is most likely OVER concerned over Tara (she has been with her since the beginning) and the ER doc was so Ho Hum it wasn't even funny. So like I said, not sure how to feel, but frankly didn't have time to think about it to much, as Monday I was already up and ready to pick Jim up from the airport, and start the work day with him. How do other heart mamas go about it with no benadryl? Any other suggestions?
So there we have it, 2 post in 1, so sorry that I lost most of you, but I couldn't figure out where to stop the other, and where to start the next!

Your Story, John 14:11

For Tara's 1st birthday, I handed out little candles, in a glass votive jar with the word BELIEVE on it (they were stickers, and I stuck all 150 on them...just FYI), I then tied them up with a cute little ribbon on cellophane, and put a little note card on it, with the verse John 14:11.

"Believe me when I say that I am the Father, and that the Father is in me, or at least believe in the evidence of the Miracles themselves".

I loved it. Tara is the evidence of my miracle. I already believe in the Father (You should too), but if I hadn't when Tara got sick, and stayed sick for so long, and survived, I would have had to have believed in something, based on the evidence of miracles themselves. Doctors had no "medical reason" for her to survive, she was clearly a miracle, we heard that, and still hear that, almost anytime we meet, or see any doctor. They read her chart, look up several times at her as they keep reading with their jaw on the ground, and say, "you do know she is a miracle right?" (one of the last times was at the IEP meeting last week as her case had to sent to the "medical team" for review) The nurse was just shocked, and by the time she was done reading she was in tears saying "she is extraordinary, you don't EVER see this, it doesn't happen, you must know that she has a purpose in life, she is a miracle"...yes I know (HELLO...Jeremiah 29:11 Hope and a future here! ) I didn't say that, but instead I agreed, and said "I serve a mighty God, who does miracles everyday, on that day, he choose my daughter." I don't say things like that just as a "ho-hum blah blah blah", I say those things, because Tara's story is a miracle. It deserves to be told, people should believe in the father based on the miracles themselves. Its Tara's story, and people need saved.

While singing in church on Sunday we sang one of my favorite new songs called "Story" written by Paul Stephens, and James Peak of the Movement Band (The Movement is our youth department at my church, I am soooo blessed to go to such an amazing church (The Cause) where such amazing music is coming out of, and even more blessed that Elijah is now a part of The Movement). The song goes "When they hear your story, might they be saved.." its an amazing song, I have the album blaring in my car right now, (its not available on itunes yet, or I would totally link it to here....). While singing it in church on Sunday (even though I had just heard it a few minutes ago in my car on the way to church) The Spirit put a new light on that song. When I first heard of it, I immediately put it with Tara, I mean after all, her story is incredible. However last Sunday, I realized, even I have a story, you have a story, Everyone has a story. How do you want your story to play out? How do you want your story to read? That you did a good job raising your kids? sure, that sounds nice, but instead of that story for me, I want it to read out a different way. I want my story to read, that not only did I do a good job raising my kids, but that I loved God with all my heart, I praised Him in good and bad, my story lead others to Christ, then their story lead others, I want to change a generation with my story.

Everyone has a story, when you die, how do you want it to read? If you do not know Christ, and have a personal relationship with him, you have nothing. I would love to talk to anyone who does not have a personal relationship with Christ, and tell you what he has done for me. You are the only one who can change your story. You write it, and then you die (sounds harsh when you write it like that, but its the truth). How will it read?

Colds

I don't like colds. Well, I don't think anyone really "enjoys" colds. Me, its rather a despise. They freak me out. You see, 2 weeks ago when I started to get the "aches", the scratchy throat, the nasal congestion. I panicked. I was bathing in purell, staying away from my kids (as much as I can, I am there mama, they still need food, and there boo boos kissed), and praying that this cold would keep away from the kids. It didn't. Tori was the first to feel the sniffles, I kept praying in fear that Tara would get it too. She did. I don't like colds. Tara started feeling bad last Monday. Just a bit winey, and with lots of boogies. Since then its progressed. It usually does. You see, Tara has been hospitalized 21 times in her last 2 1/2 years of life. 16 of those times have been from colds...the common cold. A cold for Tara does not mean sniffles, and extra cuddles. It means pressure on her chest (as it usually turns into some type of pneumonia), its means extra visits to her pediatrician, it means no sleep for mommy, as Tara's heart does not like colds, and she has funk arrhythmia's, which means monitors going off all night long. I don't like colds. "We" are leaning how to keep her home (not at the hospital) during colds. When I say "we" I mean all of us (mom, Tara, Ped, cardio). She scares us...all of us. Normally Tara sats are GREAT! Like 98-100 great. Sleeping a bit lower sometimes, but for the most part, great. Today ALL day she has been 92-93. Last night when she was sleeping, 84-87. Not good. She is still holding her own. Acting normalish (a bit more tired, and cranky). I am trying. I like her home, she is fun, my other kids are fun, my bed is more comfy then the Cheds (chair/bed) at the hospital, snuggling with my honey is way more fun the pacing the hallways of the pediatric floor with a sick girl. I know that with Sats like she has now, if I took her into the ER we would be admitted. I am not ready to do that. I am learning, "WE" are learning. I am optimistic that we will be able to over come this cold without being admitted. Greater is He. I will praise Him no matter what. I made that decision during worship at Thursday morning bible study (sometimes when this happens I have to just sit and marvel at all He has done.). He is greater, more than I'll ever need, He is greater. If He never chose to heal Tara completely (which I don't think is the case), He is still Greater. When He does choose to heal Tara completely, He is greater. He is more then I'll ever need, He is greater. Either way I will praise Him. Why, because He is greater, and more than I will ever need. What about you? What do you need Him to be greater than? Health? Greater. Finances? Greater. Relationships? Greater. Loss? Greater. Fear? Greater. Worry? Greater. Greater is He, and more than you will ever need. I like that.

A Different Dream for Tara.

A few months back my friend Victoria recommended a book. A Different Dream for my Child. I was hooked by the first chapter. By the 2nd Chapter I was in tears. By the third chapter I had to run to the bathroom (I was reading it in the airplane), and stay there awhile and compose myself. Jolene Philo might as well be me. Writing this book about Tara, and the dreams I had, and the dreams I have lost, and the hope. Hope in Jesus. I finished the book the same day I started reading it. Came home to ask a friend if she wanted to borrow it, but still have not let her use it yet. I can't let it out of my sight. Its that good. I knew it would be. With all that Victoria has been thru with Moriah I knew I was going to be in for a treat. I just didn't know how much of a treat. In reading the book again today (yes, I think I have re-read it 8 times now) I found this part and had to share. Be assured, these are not my words, but all hers (Jolene Philo), she just sums it up so well:
In such an agitated state how could I tell my hurting son to be quiet and rest when I couldn't be still myself? How could my restless presence be his comfort?
Somehow, however I sensed God whispering those same words to me while I rocked my son. "Shhh...Jolene. Be quiet. Lie still. I'm here" In those moments, I wanted to crawl into His lap, feel His gentle arms around me, and be comforted while I grieved my son's loss of another day of good health and my loss of another day of normal life: trick-or -treating on his first Halloween, pushing his stroller around the block, playing peek-a-boo in the evening.
At the time I didn't know I was grieving. Grief, I thought, was reserved for parents who lost their children. As the parent of a child who would someday be healthy again, this was ground I thought I was not allowed to tread. But I was wrong.
..."At some point, you do have to grieve and you do have to face what's happened, weather its your child living, but not healthy the way you dreamed...or if you actually lost your child. Weather you admit it or not, you are grieving, and you have to be able to reach out and talk to people".
I am grieving. I do grieve. I grieve for what could have been. What should have been. My dreams I had for my perfect little family of 6. My dreams I had on Sept 5th. The day before Tara was born. How I would hop right back into being a mom, cooking and cleaning, packing up to move into our dream house in just 2 short weeks after she was scheduled to be born. I was ready, I was excited, I was anxious. Then on September 14th I felt as though my dreams had been shattered. Not just dropped, but shattered like a precious crystal vase dropping on the tile and not being able to be pieced together. I couldn't even find all the pieces. They had shattered into a million pieces. The morning the nurse told me to go in and say goodbye to my daughter, was the day I started to grieve. Not grieving as some may think, as she is here with me still, but grieving what could have been, what should have been. She sits on my couch right next to me. Amazing me daily. But I grieve what could have been. I long for the days when a common cold didn't send me into over drive (more on colds a different day...). 19 admissions. My sweet little girl who deserves "normal" has had 19 admissions in her 2 1/2 years of life. That's not normal. But its normal for us...now. Its our new normal. Every day I am learning how to have a different dream for my child. 1 day at a time. Thru Gods grace and his love, I am learning to enjoy my new normal, and smile for all He has done for me.
"Shhh...be quiet, lie still. Listen to Him whisper. I'm here". (more from Jolenes book)
Dear Father, quiet my soul. Whisper to my heart, touch me with your hand and be present with me as I grieve for the small things lost today. Hush me. Hug me. Be here with me.
Psalms 131:2
I've kept my feet on the ground, I've cultivated a quiet heart. Like a baby content in its mothers arms, my soul is a baby content.

Psalm 55

Listen to my prayer O Lord, Do not ignore my cry for help! Please listen and anwser me for I am overwhelmed with my troubles...

This was Tori. For the last week "Louise" has been missing. Louise is her American Girl. She loves her, she sleeps with her, she takes her to church because she put up one of the best arguments I have ever seen from a 5 year old...."mom, I love her, and when I die and go to heaven, I want her to be there with me, so she needs to go to church to hear about Jesus" "well Tori, when you get home from church you can tell her all about Jesus then, I dont want you to loose her" "mom, would you let Jakey stay home from church and just let me tell him about Jesus?" you make a good point... Missing. The last place we say her was under the pool table last Wed. when Ty and Sarah were here. The only other place we went was Church on Thursday morning, so we were fairly sure she was lost at the house. We have looked all over. All of us. There was a reward involved... by me. I was lost without Louise too...for diffrent resons of course!! The $3.73 cent reward was sitting on the counter waiting to be claimed. Today, with 5 kids here (Ty and Sarah) we set out again to find Louise. After all, we are talking big money here. Thats 3 toys at the 99 cent store. HUGE!! Not to mention the special shopping trip. So after looking most of the morning, and still no Louise, I was getting worried. Wondering if I could find one on Craigslist or something (she has literaly been heart brocken with tears every day) So while the "babies" Sarah and Tara were still asleep, I sat the kids down, asked them to hold hands, we were going to pray, Pray for Jesus to be our eyes and our hands to help us find Louise, after all, he led mommy to her diamond a few months back, and he cares for what we care for, Jesus loves us that much, that he wants us to be happy. So we prayed together, The 4 of us Ty, Jake, Tori, and me. I told the kids if 2 or more agree, it shall be done in His name. The kids all prayed, very serious prayer, "Jesus, be our eyes, be our hands, help us like you helped mommy (or Auntie kat), please help me be able to buy a squirt gun with the reward money so I dont get to hot" they set off, ready to be Jesus' eyes and hands. Within 1 minute (not kidding) Ty screamed out "Jesus lead me right to her, I was His eye balls and he found her, He does care". What an amazing lesson my kids and I both learned today. Pray...first, not a week later. We have been looking for a week, why was she not found, because we didn't ask to have Jesus be our eye balls, He does care, he cares for what we care for. Why didn't we pray when she first went missing? Could have saved everyone quite a bit of heart ache. Pray first, then find.

Side note story to celebrate we decided to go to the park when the "babies" woke up, I said "ok everyone lets get our shoes on" Ty said "I can't find my shoes" Jake said "come on guys lets get together and pray" cutest thing watching them on the stairs holding hands "Dear Jesus, please be our eyeballs, help us find Tys shoes, lead us to them because you care about us going to the park" I found them right after and Jake screams out "it does work, Jesus lead you right to them". Yes Jake, prayer does work.

Knock on wood.

Well, if I was superstitous thats what I would do, but since I am not I will shout it from my blog!!!

ITS BEEN ALMOST 3 MONTHS SINCE TARA HAS BEEN ADMITTED!!!

This is amazing!! Even when I saw our favorite ICU nurse at chruch on Sunday (Erol) he even commented on how long its been since he has got to put a line in my baby...ok, its a little weird what he misses, but still....we know he loves us.
This is a record. Tara has been admitted 19 times in the last 28 months, so you catch my drift...it was actually 19 times in 25 months really. Its hard, it puts a strain on the entire family. We shuffle our other children, we take time off work, we get behind on our laundry, we eat out way to often (however is not totally a bummer as our favorite resatraunt is right next to the hospital Fortune Chinese, YUMM), we lack vitamin D from never leaving the hospital, etc. Its pretty much every 6 weeks that we get admitted if you work it out....not cool. Its hard, we miss our other kids, we miss our bed, and Jim and I miss each other. We were warned when she came home that this would be our new normal, we were not prepared for it to go on this long, they said a year, but later after talking to a nurse she said "we were just being nice, its a forever thing". Well, forever for them is not forever to us, as we have God on our side! Right now Tara has Dilated Cardiomyopothy with Congestive Heart Failure, this in lame mans terms means "things don't work right". She functions so amazingly well when she is not sick. She functions normal in heart failure, its what she knows, she has been dealing with it since she was 8 days old. However when she gets sick, its not fine, things start shutting down (quickly) because of the CHF. Her lungs have a hard time, we have to double and somtimes triple the amount of lasix we give her just to get some pee out, she slows down, thus making her be admitted.
We have spent holidays in the hospital, birthdays, anniversaries, and special events. The sickies have no time line.
So for us to be home since October 23rd, its amazing...no, its God.

Fear

Ok this is proubably just a very raw post, with no funnies, just me rambling a bit of my feelings. No pictures, no laughs, just real.
Recentlly (well, the last 2 years I guess) I have been struggling with fear. Not the ooh, whats that crack in the wall kind of fear or did I just see a shadow kind of thing, but the gut wrenching fear that can bring you to your knees and make you cry kind of fear. Now dont get me wrong, as I know who my Savior is, and I know He will never leave me, or forsake me (Romans) but still, I have this fear. I can get down to the root of it, and I know how it all started, but first I will back up a bit. I am the more layed back type of mom. My kids learn as they go. When searching for a house, we bought a house that had the stairs leveled meaning if someone was going to not hold onto the rail and fall, it was only going to be a few steps, so we have 4 steps then a landing, then 4 steps another landing, then 2 steps then tile. The worst that can happen is they fall 4 steps and hit carpet, or fall 2 steps and hit tile. But hopefully in the process they learn that the rail is not just a suggestion, its a tool. (Little did I know that Jim dear would learn this very valuble lesson about 1 week after moving in. Jake, Tori and Tara have never fallen, Elijah (who takes the steps like 5 at a time...I know there isn't 5 but you get my drift) has fallen several times, and Jim fallen twice. So the layed back parenting works well for me. There is boundries, limits, and consequences, but they can help themself within means. So now down to the root (as sorry, I just took you on a journey) When Tara got sick, I had this guilt. Guilt that has let fear come in. Horrible guilt that I should have cought her being sick so0ner. I was her mom, why didn't I know that her core body tempature was only 94 degrees, why couldn't I take one look at her listless body and know something was wrong? Why when she was having troubles eating did I just think it had to do with breast feeding, and not realize sooner that she just couldn't eat as she was so sick, her heart was sick. All of these little things, that I honestly rack myself with guilt over then and still now. Now, the little things I notice, not only on her but on all of them, and this is where the fear comes in. I am paranoid. A few weeks ago as I was giving my last kisses to my kids before I went to bed I noticed Tori was a bit cold, so I went and got the ear temp thing, I took her temp, it was 95...I couldn't sleep, I covered her up with more blankets, I checked on her every 20 minutes all night long, and I must have listened to her heart about 80 times that night. I even woke up Jim. I kept thinking for Tara when we found out she was cold, it was then only hours before she was crashing on the table. Well, needless to say, she was fine. Could have been that the house was only at 60 degrees that night....my point is I let fear take hold of me that night. It wasn't even with Tara, and I let the devil come in and destroy 6 hours of sleep for me because of fear. We talked, I dont think he will be messing with my sleep anymore, I believe I may have made him pee his pants with the talkin' this mama gave him.
So now, even with this overwhelming fear that sometimes consumes me, I will find rest. Rest in the Lord, Rest in His faithfulness, Rest in His goodness, and Rest in His protection over my family. Rest. Rest in Him.
aaah. That felt good to get that off my chest.....

My "Really God" moment.

I know, so its not the best picture ever, but hopefully you get the message.

Last week, as I was hurrying trying to get my house ready for people to be staying for Jims cousins surgery, I poured some bleach into my toilet bowl, and was running around doing other things (like anwsering the door, taking care of children etc..) well Tara my big girl helper decided to get Mac some water...from the toilet bowl. Well in bringing the in his bowl to the TV room to give him a sip, needless to say she is only 2 and some fell. Remember the bleach in the water bit? I was mad. Not at her, but myself, and frankly God too. After all I was having some stress. You know just a bit. Well lets just name a few things.

1. bunches of people at my house (where I loved it, its not the same where I get to curl up with my hubby at night watch a bit of tv in my jammies, and not have a bra on til noon if I dont want.)

2. Elijahs brocken leg

3. did I mention I got a speeding ticket on the way to take Elijah to the hospital for his brocken leg?

4. Jims cousin in hospital with Cancer, with your mortality check into overdrive especially since he is the same age as us.

5. Tara and Jacob got sick with really high fevers, and because Tara is Tara, I was very worried we were going to end up in the hospital.

6. My mom was in Canada seeing my aunt and Nanny (it always helps to have my mama here when things happen)

6. just being a mom to 4 kids. homework, school, fights, clean up, laundry, etc. Life doesn't stop just becuase life goes into fast gear.

7. hubby is self employed....and I dont know if you have heard or not, but we are in an economic crisis. Just FYI for anyone who doesn't watch the new, turn on your TV, computer, or talk to anyone.

8. We are getting audited by the IRS next Tuesday. Somthing about charitable giving. I guess IRS doesn't tithe, or believe people who actually do....

9. Jim got admitted to the hopsital for chest pains.

So as you can see the carpet is just a thorn in my side. I mean really, its carpet, but still, its my carpet. Its not like we can afford to re-carpet or do what I really want to do, and put hard wood on my floors.

Well, last night as I was getting my house ready for the weekend (I dont like to clean on the weekend anyways, plus I am at my Womens advance all weekend) and I was vaccuming, I got that bitter feeling in my stomach again when I saw "the spot". Then as I sat down, still bitter I had the God moment. The moment where He speaks to you and says "really? I have saved your daughters life, I have saved you, I have made you a family, I have provided you with a beautiful house in a great neighborhood, I have kept your husband employeed and working where other contractors are literally dropping like flies. do you think I would do that to you? leave you with somthing with such a bad taste in your mouth?" so last night sitting there drinking my cup of tea before bed, I gave it to God. Yes, gave him my spot on the floor. If he can clean my heart, he can clean my spot.

Well this am after giving my spot to him, Jim got a few work calls for Really big projects comming up. Nothing is set it stone yet, but it was my confimation that I needed from God. Even the least of these are His. He loves me and takes care of everything I care about...even my carpet.