Thursday, January 7, 2010


Ok this is proubably just a very raw post, with no funnies, just me rambling a bit of my feelings. No pictures, no laughs, just real.
Recentlly (well, the last 2 years I guess) I have been struggling with fear. Not the ooh, whats that crack in the wall kind of fear or did I just see a shadow kind of thing, but the gut wrenching fear that can bring you to your knees and make you cry kind of fear. Now dont get me wrong, as I know who my Savior is, and I know He will never leave me, or forsake me (Romans) but still, I have this fear. I can get down to the root of it, and I know how it all started, but first I will back up a bit. I am the more layed back type of mom. My kids learn as they go. When searching for a house, we bought a house that had the stairs leveled meaning if someone was going to not hold onto the rail and fall, it was only going to be a few steps, so we have 4 steps then a landing, then 4 steps another landing, then 2 steps then tile. The worst that can happen is they fall 4 steps and hit carpet, or fall 2 steps and hit tile. But hopefully in the process they learn that the rail is not just a suggestion, its a tool. (Little did I know that Jim dear would learn this very valuble lesson about 1 week after moving in. Jake, Tori and Tara have never fallen, Elijah (who takes the steps like 5 at a time...I know there isn't 5 but you get my drift) has fallen several times, and Jim fallen twice. So the layed back parenting works well for me. There is boundries, limits, and consequences, but they can help themself within means. So now down to the root (as sorry, I just took you on a journey) When Tara got sick, I had this guilt. Guilt that has let fear come in. Horrible guilt that I should have cought her being sick so0ner. I was her mom, why didn't I know that her core body tempature was only 94 degrees, why couldn't I take one look at her listless body and know something was wrong? Why when she was having troubles eating did I just think it had to do with breast feeding, and not realize sooner that she just couldn't eat as she was so sick, her heart was sick. All of these little things, that I honestly rack myself with guilt over then and still now. Now, the little things I notice, not only on her but on all of them, and this is where the fear comes in. I am paranoid. A few weeks ago as I was giving my last kisses to my kids before I went to bed I noticed Tori was a bit cold, so I went and got the ear temp thing, I took her temp, it was 95...I couldn't sleep, I covered her up with more blankets, I checked on her every 20 minutes all night long, and I must have listened to her heart about 80 times that night. I even woke up Jim. I kept thinking for Tara when we found out she was cold, it was then only hours before she was crashing on the table. Well, needless to say, she was fine. Could have been that the house was only at 60 degrees that point is I let fear take hold of me that night. It wasn't even with Tara, and I let the devil come in and destroy 6 hours of sleep for me because of fear. We talked, I dont think he will be messing with my sleep anymore, I believe I may have made him pee his pants with the talkin' this mama gave him.
So now, even with this overwhelming fear that sometimes consumes me, I will find rest. Rest in the Lord, Rest in His faithfulness, Rest in His goodness, and Rest in His protection over my family. Rest. Rest in Him.
aaah. That felt good to get that off my chest.....

1 comment:

  1. Fear I can't talk to. I'm a worrier and I've often got something bothering me in the back of my mind. Try hard not to worry about thing and just push forward (then I feel guilty about it, even if things don't happen).

    I did read a wonderful quote about guilt yesterday.

    " Guilt makes sense only as a motivator for change. If change is not possible, guilt makes no sense at all."