Tara and her funk beats

So On Sunday night Tara went into an abnormal heart rythm. It started around midnight, and ended around 7 am...yes 7 hours. It was all over the place, from low lows, to high highs. We went to her cardiologist to find out what is going on. Right now, they are not sure. Her Echo looked a little worse than it did last time. But not significant. Right now they put her on a 24 hour event monitor to "capture" anything to see what is going on and how to best treat it. There is a lot of What ifs that we have going on. However knowing that we serve a God who already has her plans set out for her gives us peace.
We love you all and so appreciate your prayers. Pray speciafically that they can capture something on the event monitor in the next 24 hours. That way we know exactlly how to treat it.

bloggy world

I like the blog world. You get to meet people. People that you would never have the opportunity to meet in real life, until you meet them in the blog world first. Sometimes you meet mama's that turn out to be the sweetest of friends. That like coffee as much as you, and that your kids get along so fabulously together, and those said children write stories at school about how they can't wait to get together with your bloggy mama friend. This is the case with my friend Ashley and our daughters Lexi and Tori.


This is also the case with my friend Catherine. Catherine happens to be an AMAZING photographer, so when I wanted to capture all the memories of Tara's 4th birthday, I could not dream of having anyone but Catherine come.
I like the bloggy world. Its fun.

pictures of kids

4 years ago today

4 years ago today my life was forever changed. 4 years ago today I was watching my daughter struggling to survive. 4 years ago today a comforting nurse told me to get my family to say goodbye to my daughter, my baby. 4 years ago today I handed my baby completely over to God. 4 years ago today started a journey I wish on no one. 4 years ago today I learned what Cardiomyopothy was. 4 Years ago today I learned to trust in God. 4 years ago today I went into battle. 4 years ago today my new normal started.

Today, I still struggle with the "what ifs". Today every "hello" is precious. Today when she calls me mama my heart beams with pride. Today she makes me laugh. Today, I look in her eyes, and can't help but see Gods hand. Today I see her play. Today I see her with her peers. Today she reminds me of my battle I went through. Today I know that she is worth it.

Today and every day I get on my knees and thank God for choosing me to be her mom. Its an honor and a privilege.

How do you do it

I get that question a lot. Mostly when I am dragging my 4 kids thru Disneyland by myself, or sitting at a restaraunt with 1 adult menu, and 4 kid menus, or going to the beach with all 4, or making a train thru the grocery store to keep them all in a line. I always smile and say "I have no idea". I don't. No super mad mom ninja tricks on this blog to share...sorry. It gets exhausting, but I think being a mom in general gets exhausting. I remember just having Elijah, and being exhausted, then having Elijah and Tori and thinking about signing myself up to go to a place with padded walls. Then I had Jake, more exhaustion, and straight jackets seemed like they should be mandatory, right next to the binkies in the baby section. Then Tara came, and I realized I didn't actually know exhaustion before...I think I went 11 days without sleep when she was first admitted (I should see if I quolify for Guiness book of world records). Then Jim left to Qatar, and I became a 5/6th single mom. So here is my secret...wait for it now...the word ALL. I know life changing huh? The word ALL has changed my life, for the better. Here is a few ways I like to use it..."Cast ALL of your cares upon Him" "Trust in the Lord with ALL of your heart". "pray ALL the time" "applaud God, ALL you people" "peace to you ALL who walk in His ways" "I am ALL He wants, I am the World to Him" "families stick together in ALL kinds of trouble". These are just a few of my ALL words. See why I like the word ALL is because it does not mean some, a little, or most, but ALL. I have to Trust God with ALL I have, not some little or most of my life, but ALL of it. I can't pray "some" of the time, but ALL the time. I am ALL He wants...not me and 20 billion other people, but ALL. See God does not pick favorites, just like I can't pick a favorite kid, God can't pick one of us. He chose ALL of us. He died on the cross for ALL of our sins (another great ALL). So there it is, I guess I do have a secret weapon, and obviouslly mad mom ninja skills...

Jake and the sandwiches

When I was sitting on the couch reading my new favorite book (The Shack, you must read it!) Jake came up and was cuddling me. He then asked "Mom, since you are reading your book, can I make lunch for everyone". Jake is so sweet, he always wants to help, and ifIdosaysomyself he makes a mean PB&J sandwhich. I said sure and asked "whats on the menu today dude?" "Sandwiches" was his reply, I was thinking I was going to have this great sandwich, with Jelly oozing out, and with enough peanut butter to make a dog lick his lips for weeks. I continued reading, and he even went outside and picked me a "flower". Its was a dandylion, so it reminded me I needed to get out some weed be gone for my grass. He brought me my lunch. Complete with a diet coke. My boys knows me well. I said "boy, Jake this looks really good! What kind of sandwich is it?" his reply. Peanut butter and mayonaise. My dilema...do I eat that or the dandylion which is looking pretty appitizing at the moment....

How long is never?

This is a long over due post most likely, but I have been thinking about it for awhile. I guess it always comes up, as we get ready for Tara's birthday. A kiledescope of emotions comes about. Its been nearly 4 years since Tara was born, then a week after her 4th birthday, it will be 4 years since my life was forever changed. Since my "world" was shattered, and my life, and my normal that I knew before was never to be again. I live now in my new normal. Its not a bad normal, but a different normal. I often (not as much as I used to) get the question "what is Tara's health like now?" Well, the skinny...It has not changed. Her heart function is exactlly the same as it was the day we left the hospital 3 mos. after she got sick. Tara however has "learned" how to deal with her heart, and the common cold doesn't *always* send her to the hospital anymore. I then get the transplant question, or the surgary question. You see, those are the questions that are not easy to answer. Even if you have the same faith as me, its a hard question to answer. Sometimes people don't understand that I KNOW God is going to heal her. He doesn't make promises he can't keep. He told me that he would heal her, and I will take that to the bank, every day. In Deuteronomy 31:8 it says: "God is striding ahead of you he is right there with you; he wont let you down, he wont leave you. Dont be intimidated, don't worry." he wont leave me. Ever. Never. The kids were playing the other day, and I overheard a conversation about the word never, and Jake told Tara: "Never is a really long time, huh mom." I of course said yes, but then that question came to me later in my quiet time. How long is never. Is it 100 years? 10 Years? Or is it just the 4 years that my sweet girl has been with us? No, in actuallity Never is NOT a long time. Its doesn't end. Websters even says: Not ever: at no time; not in any degree; not under any condition. Not under any condition will my God ever leave me, he is right there ahead of me, striding ahead. Have you ever walked on the sand from your car down to the water, and when you walk its hard, sand is never easy to walk in, I always like to find other "footsteps" to walk in, it makes it easier to walk in the sand when someones "strides" ahead of me. God does that in my life, all of it. So when do I feel like he wont take care of Tara? Never.

Your mommy is beautiful....

Today I was getting ready to leave the house. I was in my bathroom getting ready. The girls were playing in their room with a friend named Macie. I am hearing them play on the monitor that is in my room. I over hear this conversation.
Macie: Tara your mommy is sooooo beautiful.
Tara: I know she is really pretty.
Macie: yeah, I really like her.
Tara: me too.
the conversation kept going on, but I was beaming. Birds were chirping above my head, I felt like Cindarella. Not only do my kids think I am beautiful, but so did my girls friends. Way to make a mom feel good. After I brushed my teeth and decided, since they already thought I was beautiful I would really show them and put some mascara on. So I went over to their room with my head high, birds still chirping and said "hey girls, I am just getting ready to leave, are you having a good time? What are you playing?"
Tara: "We are playing house, Tori is the mommy"
Just then, the birds that were chirping over my head pooped on it.

My week in Facebook

So Since I don't always update the blogspot (sorry mom), but I do update my facebook, I thought it would be fun to combine the 2. I would like to say that I will do it weekly, but I hate to lie to you. So I will say I will try.

May 12: I asked Jake to get me a coke Zero out of the fridge, he brought me a Miller Lite. Gave it to me and said "I can't find the black ones, is this OK?" Jake, this is beer, I want a soda to bring to church. "oh, its OK, you can drink beer at church". No Jake they might frown on that.

May 14th: I have learned a lot this weekend at Equip (still more to come with Jack Hayford tomorrow), but I want to immediately start putting things into practice, so tomorrow I will be a Proverbs 32 woman. I will stay in bed, and make my kids bring me breakfast there.

May 18th: Well, the good news in my alarm is set for 6pm. Bad news is, all of my kids are VERY late for school. OOPS (that was at 8am, kids start at 730 and we just had woken up)

May 18th: I am speaking tomorrow at REAL moms. Topic: Yes, I am Crazy, just like you. Its going to be fun and helpful, and I am excited! Tomorrow at The Cause, 9am start time with breakfast. Join us and come cheer me on.

May 19th: Dear Mr. President, Israel is our friend. Just like in grade school if you take something that is not yours, the other person will get mad. Don't be a bully. People don't respect bullies. Same on you. Love mom.

May 19th: I am either washing an alligator, or the appliance attack has returned.

May 20th: I started a 13 day fast today. I miss coffee (and eggs and food). I felt like running my kids off a cliff this am while driving them to school. It will get better right? (PS, it did not, next day I was puking and had the worst headache of my life.)

May 20th: At ER with Jake for stitches. Yup, its one of those days! (see, I told you my day did not get any better.

*photo is not for the faint of heart*

Waiting at the ER. Unless anyone is a seamstress?

Jake fell asleep getting his 9 stitches. They called in a plastic surgeon. Lesson learned. Do not play free Willy on your bed, and breach like a whale onto your dresser.

*side notes, I am still doing my fast, but I did break down and start having half a cup of coffee, and I will gradually start weaning that. Cold turkey might not have been the best choice since I pretty much IV it into me through out the day. In fact this am, I only had 1/4 cup*

Hitting a Wall

On Sunday when I was praying for a couple at church I had a very clear picture in my head, that I was able to relate to their situation, when I sit back now, I can so relate it to my situation as well. This is a picture of the Western Wall in Israel. Its the exterior wall (aka the Wailing Wall), to the Temple Mount. People go their with their requests to God. There is tiny little pieces of paper all over the place, where people actually write their requests on a piece of paper and put it inside of the cracks and crevices of the wall.
Sometimes we feel like we are on the outside. We come to the wall, where we give our requests to God, Sometimes we feel like the "wall" is just that though, a wall. We feel like we can't get in, We lean into the wall, we pray to the wall, we weep at the wall, we surrender all at the wall, but just can't get inside. However, then something shifts, whether it be a spiritual shift, or an emotional shift, then all of a sudden you are on the inside. We feel like we can finally make it past a through a situation. I have felt this so many times. So many times in my life, and in my prayer life I feel like I hit a wall. That I can't make it anymore, then the shift happens, and you do. You make it through, you are on the inside. The inside doesn't always look so pretty inside though. The beauty that you were waiting for just seems like a long empty hallway. Continue to press on, your beauty will come, God doesn't promise you any less.
I encourage you today if feel like you are at a "Wall" continue to press on, you will make it through, Eventually, your wall will open up to the beauty that is just on the other side.

Tour of the Inside of the Western Wall, that would open up to the beauty of the Temple.

Israel

Not the best picture, but one of my favorite spots, so had to include it. On a boat in the middle of the Sea of Galilee...Sureal to say the least.

Jim and I heading into the Upper Room (Where the last supper was at)

Jim and I at the Western Wall, otherwise known as the Wailing Wall (the wall outside of the Temple Mount)

Looking over the Mt. of Olives Last month I had the most incredible opportunity that I can't wait to share all 5 of you who read my blog. Even though my mom already knows...So all 4 of you.

I had the opportunity to go to Israel. The pastors of our church were taking a team, and I jumped on that chance. Jim met us there...He lives in the Middle East, so it made it much easier for him. No Jet Lag, no 16 hour flight, just a quick hop skip and a jump for him...lucky. As you can see by the pictures we had an incredible time. I took over 1,000 pictures, so I can't even show you the highlights. I am sure a few of these photos will be showing up in other posts. Oh, and because I just wanted to mention how incredibly awesome this trip was, The trip was also combined onto Jack Hayfords trip. You know, sureal. In Isreal, where Jesus walked, lived, performed miracles, died, and rose again, with Jack Hayford. Sureal...

Kids might get the best of you...

Sorry, I have been a really incredible blog slacker, however I have lots to catch up on. I will do it one at a time. Funny stuff first. You know, funny now, a month later.
So about a month ago, just before I left for Israel, I was a bit on the busy side, packing, and getting everything ready. I went upstairs to deal with a few things, put laundry away, and fun things like that. I can't remember forsure, but I might have even tried to use the bathroom. The 2 middle kids, Jake and Tori were playing, Tara was upstairs with me. They were playing so good, laughing, and having a really good time, at one point I even heard them say "slide down on this" just as I walked by to the girls room to see them slide down the stairs on a jacket. They were having fun, nobody was crying, and nobody was bleeding. Half the battle in this house. Lots of laughing, in fact, I even remember sitting on the bed at one moment and saying "I should remember this moment", they were having a great time. I like those moments. I left them for about 15 minutes is my best guess. Hearing them laugh the entire time. I then walked by the stairs just in time to see Jake's naked butt up in the air sliding down the stairs. I didn't think to much about it, but saw the naked butt. I then went into the closet to grab more hangers and pondered a brief moment...did I just see that? I wonder if Tori is naked too? I wonder if the "slippery jacket" wasn't working with clothes on? Maybe I should go check again. Sure enough, Tori was naked too, and is that water in her hair? What is that that that Tori is rubbing on Jake to slide down easier? Cooking Oil. Yup, you guessed it. My darling 2 children, took this moment to pour cooking oil on themselves to slide down the "slippery slide" a bit easier. Thanks kids.
Yup, these are the moments you will remember...
P.S. Big shout out to my friend Jerry who dropped everything, and was there in about 20 minutes to steam clean the stairs, and leave no trace of oil on the carpet.
P.P.S. Dawn dish detergent really does break down oil....Even in 5 year old's hair.

betterish plus other stuff

Yes, that is a word, I just made it up, but I am fairly sure it will be in urban dictionary. Right next to taranormal.
So just as the title suggested Tara is getting betterish. Doing really great in the day time, and just a few spats a week at night. When she starts coughing, its really hard to stop. So I feel like I have a newborn again, I also look like I have a newborn again. The dark circles are not flattering.
Jim is on a "gone" stint right now. He is gone til April. Suck. In Feb I celebrate my birthday, Valentines day, Jakes birthday, and my 11 year wedding anniversary....alone. Suck. I will see him in March, we are going to Israel together. I am excited. Wish my kids could go, cause they miss their dad. Suck.
I caught my dishwasher on fire in November. Its been pretty mad at me ever since. I don't blame him, I would hold a grudge too if I was caught on fire. Yesterday it started "spitting" at me. Water coming out all over the place, well, water and soap. I showed him who was boss and bought a shiny new pretty one. Yup, so I am now the proud owner of a new dishwasher, sitting in my garage. Turns out I don't know how to replace a dishwasher. Any takers? Pizza and beer could be involved. (or you know soda if beer is not your gig)
Tara loves playing with her new American Girl babies from Make a Wish. A few days ago as she was giving her baby her bedtime drugs (yes, she plays with her old syringes), she said "here Marina, tis is your yasix (lasix) it make you pee, tis is your nalapril (enalapril) its for your heart. MOM I need a pulse ox for Marina!" Is there any pre courses for a nursing program to put her in? Right now I think she is a shew-in.
Elijah is liking his new school. Can't say I like the $380/month payment, but I think I like the school too. Small class sizes, and barely and homework make my life much better. Still has pre-teen attitude, but much better than it was.
Jake has been doing the Xbox Kinect like no other. He is pretty good at it. He likes to challenge anyone who comes over. He picks the game, then wins....always. Its a good thing too, because he is a poor looser. We are working on that, but its so funny to hear him trash talk.
Tori plays the dance central. A 6 year old should not have moves like that. She is way to sexy to be 6. I am going to have my work cut out for her when she is older. I wonder how long it will take to built a basement to keep her locked in?
That's it. Well, that's all I can't think of at least. My coffee is now cold. And my children have officially turned my family room into a scene I have see before on Saving Private Ryan.

Whopping Cough

Its been a really hard week...really hard. Jim left Sunday, 6 days ago now. It does not get easier kissing my husband goodbye at the airport no matter how many times I do it. It still sucks. A lot. However my tears were quickly turned into super powers as by Monday night I had 2 kids sick. Tori with the stomach flu (better now), and Tara with the "unknown". Low O2 sats, fever, just funk. I knew something was brewing. By Wednesday fever still there, and a cough had come with it, my nights were getting longer. Last night was epic. Not in a good way. It was a bad night, bad like I have never had to experience at home with my sweet girl. Tears, and coughing spats that would dip her O2 into the high 70's that would last for 1/2 at least. When she would finally "break" from the spat, tears would fall, and she would ask to go to the "egg doctors" (Huntington Memorial is the egg doctors, she always asks them to make her eggs there, and they do.) I want to keep her home, I so want to keep her home, because in the day time, she is good, well better. Yesterday she was diagnosed with Whopping Cough. A vaccine prevented disease. While she has had the vaccine, she is immuno-compromised so still got it. While I have always been "pro vaccine" since Tara I have been even more. Frankly it pisses me off. Tara got whopping cough from someone who was not vaccinated. If you choose to put your child's life at danger, so be it, your choice. HOWEVER, when you then put my child's life in danger, it gets personal. So parents who choose not to vaccinate, this is for you. Until you see your child laying in the hospital fighting for their life, you may never get it. I don't necessarily want you to vaccinate for your kids, I want you to vaccinate for my child. My child who had nothing to do with your stupidity. In the long run, most likely it will never be your child who fights for their life from getting a preventable disease. Most likely it will be a immono- compormised child who did nothing to you, yet you choose to put THEIR life on the line. How dare you.
PS any anonymous comments will be deleted. You are welcome to express your opinion, but if you have one, have the guts to put your name, after all, I did.

Has it really been that long?

So much for empty promises of more blogs.... And pictures. I see there will be a lot to catch up on but for now, its a New Year. 2011 is here, and I am excited.
Yesterday at church I kept hearing over and over again, 2011 is going to be better. Goodbye 2010, hello 2011. A lot of "Amens" were said, and agreements, that they are so glad to get over 2010. Here is my thing...does that one day really make a difference? Is something going to change just because you get a new calender, or need to put 2011 on things instead of 2010? People, your life isn't going to get better just because its a new year, you are the only one that can make your life better. Weather it be January 1st or June 1st, you can be the change. To hallmark? or harsh? Sorry. Now its not to say that I am not excited to come to a new year, I am glad. 2010 was good to me. There was hard things, but every year there is always hard that goes along with that year. I can think back and remember "hards" in every year back as far as I can remember. However I choose to not look at the "hards" and look at the "goods". So for this post there will be no "2010 sucked". So here is my top 10 of 2010.
10. Tara had a lot less hospitalizations then any other year.
9. Jim and I had more date nights, and really enjoyed every one. (one of our goals this past year was to have more)
8. Jim and I had a wonderful vacation together to the Caribbean. We really enjoyed each other for a full week, with lots of memories and new friends were made.
7. We enjoyed the Caribbean so much that we took the kids back there for a family vacation.
6. Both of my sisters announced they will be having a baby! One thru her belly, one thru adoption! I love being an Aunt.
5. My internship. While its been hard, the hardest things in our life reap the greatest of rewards.
4. My friend Caz got married (which should be one all on its own! WHOOT WHOOT Caz!) and is now able to help me every Wed. with the kids. The kids love spending time with her, and I love having a few hours to get things done, and work on my Internship things. I look forward to Wednesdays.
3. We welcomed Jay to come and live with us. Gods timing is perfect. A friend who is an EMT and studying to be a paramedic needed a place to stay. I needed help with the kids since Jim was going to be gone. A week before Jim left, Jay came in. Its great having a extra set of hands anyways, but for someone with medical knowledge to come in is better. When Tara is sick he can take a shift so I can get some rest.
2. Great friends, great family. We are so incredibly blessed with the bestest of families. Our support system is so fun, and inspire and encourage us. Not only was 2010 rockin' because of them, but everyday is rockin' because of them.
1. Tara got a new make over on her room compliments of Make a Wish. They did an incredible Job, and its so much fun to see the girls play in there. She was also asked to be the Season of Wishes girl, so her segment was televised so that others could see the wonders of how awesome God is.
There was so much more God did in 2010. So hello 2011, but 2010, you were good to us, and for that Thank you.